I read something on facebook this morning that literally brought me to tears.  My aunt posted that some friends of hers are having to take their 12 year old daughter that has been battling cancer off life support today.  I hurt for the parents and I hurt for the little girl who was robbed of her chance to experience a full life.  Sometimes we hear about or read things like that and ask “why” and sometimes it even makes us angry that such a horrible fate could fall upon such a young, beautiful life.  I’ve learned that sometimes in life terrible, tragedies happen to good people and it’s so far beyond our understanding and comprehension that asking those questions doesn’t seem to provide any answers.  I truly believe in God and his mercy and believe that he is holding a special place in his kingdom for this young soul and that his reasons for taking her from her family are not mine or anyone else’s to try to understand.   

Its times like this that I then am able to look at my own life and realize how tragedy could strike at any moment and realize how truly blessed I am.  Most days we’re so consumed with our own thoughts and our own minor problems and pain that we rarely take the time to step back and realize how great things truly are. 

 I spoke to my boss this morning.  I was nervous to talk to him, not because he’s intimidating but I wanted to let him know that I was interested in pursuing another position that opened up recently in our company.  Since I know my boss, I figured he would be on board and encouraging, however his response was even better than I expected and I left his office feeling more confident than I went in.  Blame it on the pregnancy hormones but at that moment I just felt so fortunate.  Not just because of this, but because of all the wonderful things that I so easily over look. 

 I’m pregnant.  There is a new life forming inside of me that’s made up of half of my genes and half of my husbands.  This in and of itself is such a wonderful miracle that I do feel blessed for every single day.  I worry about the health/safety of this little baby every single day.  So much of it is completely out of my control, so each day that I wake up and everything seems to be ok, or every time I feel little kicks and movement I’m grateful.  Its true that sometimes with my running especially, pregnancy has caused some frustrations and I do look forward sometimes to after the baby is born, but I really do love this time too and feel like I will miss it a bit when its over.

 I have a great husband.  Lately, he’s been bothering me a bit (and admittedly a lot of that has to do with the pregnancy too) but even when he is bothering me, I still love him more than I can describe and I know the other types of men/husbands/father’s that are out there and I’m thankful.  So many women go through this all alone and some women have fathers of their children that don’t even want the baby, so I really am so fortunate that Tim is the father of my baby.

 I have great friends and family.  Friends and family can also be a huge source of stress, and I don’t think there’s anyone with a family or close friends that could say this isn’t true.  But they’re also a great source of support and knowing they’ll be there for you no matter what is truly priceless.  Its true that we are the absolute hardest on those we love the most and there’s comfort in knowing that harsh words said can easily be forgiven and no love lost.  I know that my friends and family are supportive of me and that they will care for and love my child and for that I am grateful.

 My job.  Some days I get really frustrated and stressed from my job, but deep down I know that’s because I really care and ultimately I am so thankful.  I work at a company that I truly believe in.  Right now with the state the of the country, many large companies are seen as corrupt and evil money making machines that care only about the bottom line.  I say with absolute conviction that my company is not anything like that.  Sure, we have to make money, that’s how businesses continue to thrive and grow.  The company will not under any circumstances sacrifice quality in order to make profits.  I truly believe that.  I also believe that this company cares about its employees.  There are many things that our company has done in my short two years here that have made me come to believe that statement.  They are moving towards more flexible schedules, they take survey’s to determine employee satisfaction, they provide opportunities for learning and training and advancement, when the company does well they give back to the employees and also to the community and reward employees for doing the same thing.  Currently, they are constructing a new building to keep up with our growth and they decided to add a fitness facility.  They didn’t have to do that. 

 Besides the company itself, I happen to work for a really great boss.  After what I went through with a previous boss I know how much of a difference this makes on my health, my happiness and my satisfaction with life.  A previous manager had a much different reaction when I told her I was interested in pursuing other positions within the company.  She acted defensive and questioned why I would want to leave the department and actually threatened to not provide me with additional job training because she didn’t know if I was a worthwhile investment for the department.  The fact that my boss not only supports my growth, but is willing to speak on my behalf is something that I have to be so grateful for.

 I have great co-workers.  I honestly can’t say that I’ve ever had better.  We don’t meet up for happy hour after work or get together outside of work, but I’m ok with that.  It means so much that we all treat each other with respect and I truly feel like we have each other’s backs.  There’s only one other person that has my same role and I actually really like him and want him to do well and don’t feel the need to compete with him and don’t think that he tries to compete with me.  It makes the work week (which really you spend more time at work then you do at home every week) a lot less stressful.

 Obviously, besides these great things I have many more things I’m grateful for too.  My health is very high on that list, both physical and mental, as well as having a solid roof over my head and food on my plate and access to clean water and showers and all of these things that truly are necessities that some people don’t have. 

 This is very off topic from running, but I felt I had to write it nonetheless because of all the complaining I sometimes do, I want to remember to take the time to truly feel how great things are at the same time. 

 One last thought to close this out.  Yesterday I ran 5 miles on my lunch hour and it had been a rainy morning.  By the time I ran however, the sun had come out, it was a nice 67 degrees and the running trail was littered with wet, colorful leaves.  The trees were filled with color and the sun peaked through just enough to make everything sparkle and glow and it was truly a beautiful sight.  It made me happy to be out running, to be breathing in the air and sights of nature.  There is so much beauty in this world and I love how running sometimes opens my eyes to it in a way that I can’t miss it.

October is finally here!  My favorite month of the year for so many different reasons. 

 Last week was kind of challenging running wise.  All of my runs seemed to be a little slower.  Not a huge drop in pace, but more like 7:40-7:55 per mile instead of staying closer to my 7:30 average.  I thought it was finally happening due to the pregnancy.  I have to admit that I was just a little bummed but tried not to let it get to me.  I mean its not like I didn’t know that would happen eventually, but I guess I hoped I’d hold it off a little longer.

 On Thursday though and I had a great run!  The alarm went off at 5 and I just didn’t feel like running so I asked Tim if he wanted to run and he said “no.”  So I reset the alarm for an hour later and slept in!  It felt great, then I brought my clothes and ran at lunch time.  It was still pretty cool out, in the mid 50’s so it still was very nice.  I’ve been finding its been harder to run lately and not have to use the bathroom at some point so I actually decided to run on the trail to the little park since I knew there was a bathroom!  I started running and felt great and then noticed my pace was in the low 7’s.  I didn’t even have to use the bathroom and on my second lap I even passed a guy who said to me “I’m breaking a record here and you’re passing me like I’m standing still!”  It felt so good and it was just what I needed. 

 The next morning I was horrified though when I stepped on the scale.  I had gained close to 3 pounds in a week!  I tried not to flip out about it.  I had eaten at a Mexican restaurant the night before and told myself it was probably just a fluke and that the next week I’d be right back on track.  With that huge jump I am now up just over 9 pounds so far.  Over the weekend it felt like my belly just popped too!  This morning I definitely am very round in my middle.   

 Over the weekend we went camping with our friends Val and Derek and their 8 month old, Brooklyn.  We brought our dogs and stayed in their camper—it was a fun weekend except that both Val and Derek were sick!  I felt bad, but at least no one minded that we took it kind of easy on Saturday night.  I ran 11 miles on Saturday!  My longest run since the injury and being pregnant.  Val ran with me the first 5.5 miles.  I forgot how fast she likes to run and all of a sudden we were going like a 7:18 pace up and down hills and I was breathing pretty hard so I swallowed my pride and had to ask if we could slow down.  The rest of the run I ran by myself but still kept up a good pace, most of the time about 7:30 unless I was going up a large hill (there were plenty of them!).  Over the whole 11 miles I averaged 7:35 pace which I was very happy with.  I felt pretty good too and didn’t get too tired later in the day.

 This morning I did get up at 5 am and get my run in!  It was 39 degrees, which is as cold as its been so I wasn’t exactly “looking forward” to it, but I was so happy I did it and felt pretty good.  I went 8 miles and averaged the same 7:37 pace per mile I’ve been averaging on that same loop for the past few weeks.   

I just went and completed my yearly health physical for our company insurance discount.  Last year they did blood pressure and all this other stuff but this year they just did height and weight to calculate your BMI.  Well, even with my pregnancy weight gain I passed.  So that felt good.  They actually don’t give you a pregnancy factor but said you can take a pregnancy pass if you don’t qualify while you’re pregnant.  So, that was a relief.  They even said that next year after I’ve had the baby I can use my “pregnancy pass” if I don’t make it.  I’m thinking in my head, “No, I better qualify then too!”  LOL. 

 I know that part of pregnancy is gaining weight and slowing down and adjusting to this huge bump in your belly.  I’m prepared for that, but honestly I’m already thinking forward to after delivery and wanting to get back to running and lose the weight really quickly.  I know I can’t get my hopes up because I could have a complicated delivery and have to take more time off—but I’m really hoping it goes smooth and I can start running again in a few days.  Its just that I have so much I want to do and I really do miss being in such great shape and crushing workouts and having something really big on the calendar to train for. 

 I’m also kind of worried that if I take a long break I won’t go back at it with the same intensity and passion I had before.  Having a baby changes your life and there will suddenly be this person completely dependent on me that I love more than anything in the world.  That may change my perspective on how important running is.  I’m afraid I’ll just get into “Mommy Mode” and put the running way far on the back burner.  I guess I think that if I have something to train for, some strong motivation I’ll really WANT to do it. 

 I know its important as a mom and as a person to live a balanced life.  If you devote 100% of your time or energy to just one thing or one area I don’t think you’re living life as fully as you were meant to.  People that devote all their energy to work often have personal lives that are lacking or strained.  While family is absolutely the most important to me, I don’t want it to be the ONLY thing about me either. 

 If I just go to work and come home and its either “worker me” or “mommy me” I think I lose out on a big part of who I am and then I don’t think you’re the best version of yourself in ANY area.  Its important to me to experience challenging work and career success.  It feels good to me and boosts my confidence and makes me generally happier with life.  Running does the same thing and I think I’ll be a better mom, better wife, better friend if I’m able to balance all of these areas.  I don’t ever want to feel trapped or like I’m just “so and so’s mom.”  I also never want to feel like being a parent is a job.  It’s the most important thing I’ll ever do and I want to be doing it with the best version of myself possible.  And if that means taking time for myself, I can’t feel guilty about that.  Besides I need to take care of myself and be healthy and a good example to my child. 

  I see some women with kids who really seem to have it all together.  They somehow stay fit and always look polished, have a great career and still manage to “date” their husbands.  They still take time for themselves, have lots of friends and participate in some hobby.  That’s who I want to be and I hope I can pull it all off.

It was a fun Chicago weekend with Tim and my sister-in-law, Mackenzie.  We headed down late Friday night and stayed in a hotel just outside of the city.  We got up early on Saturday morning to get in a 10 mile run.  It was windy and chilly but overall the run went well.  We found a little bike path that went through the woods, but only after we were about ready to turn around. 

 I drank lots of water and made sure to stay hydrated and I didn’t get the bad headache like I did after the Bridge run.  We actually went to a Cubs game on Saturday afternoon and it was a little chilly, but honestly I felt pretty good!

 After the game, we made it into the city to find a place for dinner.  Walking around, I started to feel like I had to pee and I’ve learned when you’re pregnant, once it hits, its like “gotta go NOW!” so I was a little uncomfortable as we walked blocks and blocks looking for a dinner place.  Finally, I had to just step into a Starbucks and go.  Afterwards I felt much better and felt like I could walk and walk.  We had a nice dinner and since we were all pretty tired called it a night early.

 Monday morning I forgot to set my alarm for 5 am so we woke up just a little before 6 and I knew we wouldn’t have time to get a quick run in before work.  So I brought my running gear hoping I could sneak in an 8 miler during lunch.  The run was not without some issues.  I felt like I strained a muscle/tendon in my left foot, then my arch started bothering me, then I felt like I pinched a nerve in my arm!  I felt like turning back and calling the run short and making up the distance a different day but as I went further along it finally started to all feel much better.  Then about 5 miles in something even worse happened.  I needed a bathroom and needed it RIGTH NOW!  I searched around because I was running on farm roads with heavy traffic but knew in a few minutes I would be coming up to an industrial drive.  I figured there would be some building I could sneak into if it wasn’t locked and ask to use their bathroom.  Luckily, I did find one and they sort of gave me a hard time about using the bathroom but it was clearly an emergency so I swallowed my pride and didn’t care.  I thought about using my condition to gain sympathy but they just weren’t very friendly so I just thanked them politely and went on my way.  Felt a million times better and was able to complete my 8 miles!  Its always such a relief to have it done and over with the first day of a new week.

 This morning, I went for a 7 mile run with Tim.  It was chilly again and I never really felt like I had a good sweat, but my hair was damp when I got back so I knew I did.  I felt so much better running in the morning then I did the day before.  Again, during the run I just wanted it to be over, but once its over it feels so good to have it done.  I’m very thankful that I’m still running and not having too many issues when I do.  It really makes me feel a lot better and I think it keeps me sane as well.  I’m at 17 weeks today and am still looking more and more forward to that ultrasound in a few weeks.  It seems like its taken forever to get here, but it seems even more strange that in 3 weeks I’ll be halfway through the pregnancy already.

4 months pregnant belly shot!

Ever had one of those runs where you just have a feeling before it even starts that something isn’t right?  That was today for me.

 My alarm went off at 5:15 am as usual, but for some reason I had a really hard time getting up and feeling motivated to run.  I actually checked the weather from my phone in bed first to make sure it wasn’t thunder storming (or maybe I was hoping it would be).  I got up and from my first step, noticed that my foot was still hurting.

 Last night, I walked the dog as usual and went to the video store for a while to see if they had any new TV series out on DVD that Tim and I could watch until the new fall lineup starts in a few weeks.  Everything was fine and then I got home and was letting the dog in and when I took off my shoes and stepped down it felt like I had stepped on a small pebble between my first two toes on my left foot.  I picked my foot up and there was nothing there.  I rubbed it a little and then set it back down and the pain was still there.  It wasn’t horrible pain, but just felt like there was a pebble stuck on the bottom of my foot.  It felt that way the rest of the night and I tried to stay off it as much as possible before going to bed.

 So, I guess before I even got out of bed I was probably thinking about it and a little worried.  All the while I was getting ready for my run this morning I kept debating with myself on whether or not I should go.  Besides the foot thing, I had some strange pain near my previously injured IT band the day before and I just “didn’t feel like running”.  Well, I knew I’d be mad at myself if I didn’t at least try.  So I started running, telling myself if my pain got worse or stayed persistent I could turn around at any point and go back.  To my surprise it actually felt better the further into the run I got, but to be on the safe side (and to keep myself mentally sane) I decided to just run 4 miles instead of 6.  I hate to not get in my weekly miles exactly as I’d planned but I told myself that if I was feeling this way, 2 miles less this week was NOT A BIG DEAL in the grand scheme of things. 

 So I shuffled on.  It was pretty dark out and I was running on the sidewalk.  I wore my reflective vest, but not my head lamp.  Yesterday morning when I ran it was really humid and my head got really sweaty so by the end my headlamp kept sliding down and it was annoying to continually adjust it.  Also, my watch has been having some issues lately.  It no longer saves or stores my runs.  Tim’s tried doing a complete reset a couple times and it fixes it for a week or a few runs and then it starts going back and doing it all over again. Also, sometimes I either haven’t been hearing my watch beep all the time at the mile markers or it isn’t beeping anymore at all of them.  So this morning, I knew I was getting close to my 2 mile turnaround point and wanted to make sure I hadn’t missed it so I went to hit what I thought was the “light” button and instead hit the stop button.  I was at 1.90.  Well, since it was dark and I didn’t know what button I hit and I couldn’t see I continued to hit all the wrong buttons and then all of a sudden this lady was running right by me and I was so consumed with messing with my watch I didn’t see or hear her until she was RIGHT THERE and she said “Morning!” and I screamed!  I screamed!  Then I apologized and felt completely embarrassed and started running again for what I was guessing was a tenth of a mile and then turned around and started running back.  Well, finally I got underneath a street lamp and could see the buttons on my watch and realized my errors.  So I started it up again and just wanted to be done with this crazy run.

 A little ways down the road I started catching the woman who made me scream.  Embarrassed, I didn’t want to go by her again so I crossed the street and ran on the other side just to avoid her.  Finally, the run was over and I felt better that I had done it, and also felt good that I had shortened it.

 Some days you just really have to listen to what your body is telling you.  I got myself in trouble when I tried to run through pain with my IT band injury so I was glad that I’m better able to listen to myself and be flexible now. 

 To be honest, this whole week of running has been somewhat of a challenge for me.  I’m now 14 weeks along and into the second trimester, which is nicknamed the “honeymoon of pregnancy”.  I have felt somewhat better than I was before and do seem to have more energy.  On Monday, I slept until 8 am and ran about 9:30 am and it was already quite hot and humid.  I was supposed to run 7, but just felt dehydrated so I ran 6.  Then on Tuesday I was supposed to run 7, but I woke up to thunder storms and had to postpone my run until lunch that day.  Well, it was hot and humid then, so I shortened the run to 5 miles and was really glad that I did because I struggled through the 5 miles and came back drenched in sweat.  So Wednesday I finally got to do my 7 and it went pretty well, but by today I was just really tired and not feeling it.  I normally do 5 on Thursday but since my runs were all messed up this week I was supposed to do 6.  Oh well.

 I want to attempt my first 10 miler in pregnancy and since my injury on Saturday.  When my foot hurt I got kind of nervous and it brought back all those memories from my IT band injury.  I realized today that I wanted to be able to do the 10 miles on Saturday more than I needed to get in my 6 today.  Its supposed to be much cooler weather on Saturday and I take tomorrow as a rest day so I hope it goes well.  I want to run in the Grand Rapids Bridge Run 10 miler next weekend so I need to make sure I can run 10 before I sign up. 

 As far as the pregnancy goes I’m feeling pretty good.  There are only a few pairs of work pants that I’ve been able to wear lately, so I have a feeling I’m going to need to get some maternity clothes real soon.  Its strange because I really don’t look pregnant yet, but I can really notice the bump around my lower abdomen and it gets feeling pretty squished sometimes after a full day of wearing my work pants.  I find myself getting kind of impatient with the seemingly slow movement of time.  I’m DONE with summer and ready for it to be fall but this week we’ve had weather in the 80’s and horrible humidity.  I just want it to be cooler out and want to wear some warm fall clothes.  I also sort of want to just be further along in the pregnancy.  I know that I should enjoy this time when I’m relatively still small and not “noticeably” pregnant yet, but I’m really looking forward to having a “real looking” baby bump.  Maybe I just really want baby to get here now and not to have to wait 6 more months.  Maybe my hormones are just going haywire and I can’t seem to figure out what I want!

Yesterday was a huge milestone!  I made it to the 12 weeks pregnant mark!  After week 12 your risk of a miscarriage goes down to something like 3% (as opposed to 25% until 12 weeks).  Still, this mamma to be won’t feel totally assured until our next ultrasound on Thursday when I get to see the baby and hear the heartbeat and hopefully my doctor will tell us that he/she is growing just the way he/she should be.

 Running this week I’ve noticed for the first time that my pace is slowing down.  Its not been an intentional thing at all.  Its dark out when I run so I rarely look at my watch until I’m finished.  I haven’t felt any different, and the difference has not been huge by any means.  Last week all my runs over the previous month had been an overall average pace of 7:30.  Most of my runs this week have been between 7:38 and 7:48 per mile average.  So again, not a HUGE difference, but still it somewhat surprised me today.  I guess that’s all due to the fact that my circulatory system is working harder than I realize to pump nutrients and oxygen to the little one.  Slowing of your pace can be hard for pregnant women, especially those that are perfectionists and ridiculously competitive like me.  It can feel like a blow to the ego, even though you know there’s a GREAT reason for it to happen.  Sometimes you read about these things in books but think “well, not for me, I’m much tougher than the average woman…” and it’s a dangerous path to go down.  Then when it happens to these women, they feel like they are getting out of shape when in fact you are really improving your fitness.  Because I try to stay educated and am really trying so hard not to be competitive in my pregnancy, I think its helped me be more accepting of these facts of life.  I CHOSE this, so now I have to just let it happen.  I’m going to get bigger and gain weight and get slower and more uncomfortable.  That’s what’s supposed to happen.

 I’ll explain a little more about being competitive in pregnancy.  I’m a competitive person in general and was basically born that way.  All through my life I’ve wanted to be the best at pretty much everything.  More often than not, you’re not the best at even most things.  So in life you tend to gravitate toward the things you do very well at and concentrate more on those things.  Well, as a female athlete I can tell you that every time I go running, if I see someone running ahead of me I usually have to catch them.  Fortunately, most of the time I do, but even last week when I was running this young girl passed me on the opposite side of the road and it ignited this fire in me and suddenly I was matching her pace.  It bothered me that someone was faster than me and I wondered if she was going as far as I was or if she just saw me up ahead and sped up to pass me.  All these angry thoughts racing through my head, getting angrier that I wasn’t catching her.  Then I yelled at myself inside my head because it didn’t matter!  I was running easy because I have a little baby growing inside of me.  I slowed down and admitted defeat.  It didn’t feel good, but it was the right move.

 Besides just running, I think we all know someone or have worked with someone that’s gone through pregnancy seemingly perfectly.  They have the perfect glow, don’t seem to gain any weight except for in their belly and weeks after delivery fit into those pre-pregnancy clothes.  Its natural to want to compete with them.  You look in the mirror and wonder if you’re showing too early or if you’ve gained too much, etc.  Since I know myself so well and know I have tendencies to do this—I’ve tried to prevent it as much as possible.  The most important thing about MY pregnancy is growing and developing a healthy little one.  Its not really about me.  I’ve been blessed with this incredible gift to grow a life from within my own body.  Its truly remarkable and amazing.  Its not going to help my baby for me to be thinking about my looks, my body, etc.  That being said, I know that I’m doing all the things I possibly can to have a healthy pregnancy.  I’m not just sitting around eating everything in sight.  But I am eating when I’m hungry and what I’m craving.  If I just ate an hour ago and my tummy starts rumbling, I’m going to listen.  I’m doing my best to avoid sugary treats—like the doughnuts that were brought into the office today.  But if I feel like 2 bowls of pasta instead of 1, I’m going to eat it!  Pregnancy effects all women differently and some women carry lower, some higher, etc.  The other thing to keep in mind…you never really know how easy another woman’s pregnancy was.  Sure, on the outside it may look like she breezed through it and she may even tell you some heroic delivery story about how it “wasn’t that bad”, but unless you were there while it was going on…you’re never going to know the truth.  Not that I think women are going around intentionally lying about these things.  As anyone who’s ever run a great race knows though, sometimes in the midst of all the joy, you tend to block out remembering all the pain.  There has probably not been a single great race I’ve ever run where I haven’t thought at one point that I was going to drop out because it was too hard.  Yet when you reach that PR or that win, you’re so filled with euphoria that when remembering the experience, those are the only parts you want to remember.

 Well, if running a PR can generate those type of memories think about what meeting your child and holding them in your arms for the first time can actually make you forget.  After my first marathon I was in so much pain in my legs (I think in retrospect do to hypothermia) that I questioned why anyone in their right mind would do a 2^nd marathon.  Yet, less than a year later, there I was lining up at the start again. 

 So pregnancy can be hard sometimes, but I’m getting through it by focusing solely on that finish line.  And you have to celebrate little victories along the way.  When you’ve run the first 2 miles in a marathon you don’t think “I’ve got 24.2 more miles to go.”  You think about making it through the first 5K, then 10K and each checkpoint you have to celebrate a little along the way.  So Thursday is my next 5K.  Seeing everything on the ultrasound will be just what I need to feel like I can make it to the end of the race.