Tag Archives: Abuse

Boundaries

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This is part 3!  Part 1 can be found here and part 2 can be found here.

To recap, once you know you’re in a relationship with an abuser and you’ve realized you need to hold them accountable, the next step is developing some healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are healthy and keep us physically and emotionally safe.

It’s so important to teach children about boundaries from a very young age. They don’t have a ton of property they own but they absolutely own their own bodies and have a right to decide how to use them. Don’t force a child to be affectionate with someone if they don’t want to be. Once your children are old enough to be independent in the bathroom they absolutely have a right to privacy! I’ve heard stories about dads who remove locks from bathroom doors because he doesn’t want to allow his children any privacy! Remember, abuse is all about power and control.

Abusers hate boundaries!

To protect yourself from an abuser you MUST enforce boundaries. They will do everything they can to convince you that you shouldn’t have boundaries or that your boundaries are unfair. This is further proof that you are dealing with an abuser.

I was watching re-runs of the Office last night and in the episode Jim was in Florida for work with some co-workers and his wife Pam was back at home. He befriended a woman but one night she came to his hotel room in a t-shirt and shorts with a story that they were fixing the heat in her room.  She wanted to hang out in his room while she waited. Jim said yes, but his guard went up immediately when she hopped right onto his bed. She continued to test his boundaries by taking a shower in his room, coming out in a robe and then snuggling up close to him under the sheets. That was the last straw and he finally jumped up and told her he was married and that her behavior was unacceptable. Before he finally confronted her we could see him growing increasingly uncomfortable and this is how we know someone is violating our boundaries.  We can feel it!

Other examples of boundary violations include financial “gifts” that people give expecting control in return. It is not a boundary violation for a parent to threaten not to pay college tuition if a kid can’t get his grades up, but it IS a boundary violation to only pay a kids college tuition if they go into the program of the parent’s choosing.

If a kid wants to be a teacher and the parents only will pay for med school, the kid has to decline the money and pay his own way or take out loans to get out from under the abuse.

As an adult, we leave our father and mother and become one with our spouse, therefore starting our own family unit. Your parents do not have a right to make demands of you and your new family that do not align with your values on your time, money or children. You have to say no to financial gifts that come with strings attached.

Back to my story with my abuser; one day he lost his job and arrived home drunk and he and his wife got into an argument and he took off on foot. Once again, many people were very worried about him and tried calling to check on him and he waited until the wee hours of the night before letting anyone know he was ok. I was finally at the point that I could no longer just accept his apology and pretend everything was fine.

I made it clear that I believed he needed to go through an intense, in-house rehab. Of course he had all these excuses for why he couldn’t go.  The truth of it was that he didn’t want to go. He wanted to apologize for getting caught again and then go back to hiding and lying.

When abusers are caught or know they went too far they often go through “compliance” for a bit to try to win you back. In their heart, they KNOW they have no real intention of changing but they know they need to be on their best behavior just long enough to get you to let down your guard again.

My abuser said he was sorry and started going to AA meetings and to a religious counselor with his wife. This is the same old song and dance he had been doing for years and I didn’t believe him. I had no reason to!  If someone is a repeat offender, they absolutely should understand that they have to EARN your trust back.  If they demand you to move on right away, that is PROOF that they are not changing at all.

So I stuck to my boundary. I told him he was not welcome at my house anymore unless he went to rehab or I saw some real changes in his behavior.

So a couple months passed and not spending time with him proved to be very good for me! I was less anxious, sleeping better and felt I was a better mom and wife without him in my space. He texted me one day and immediately my mood darkened. He said he had been sober for 8 weeks now and he was going to counseling and AA meetings, so couldn’t he come visit? That wasn’t my deal. He was trying to get me to break my boundary. I held firm.

So how do you know when someone is really changing? How does the church sometimes hurt instead of help when dealing with abusers?  I’ll cover that next.

Abuse, forgiveness and reconciliation

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It’s been about a year since I spilled my heart out writing about my separation from my dad. There’s not really a great word for that I guess, so separation will have to do.

In the time that has passed, I’ve continued to feel that my decision was the right one. I’ve also done a lot more soul searching and growing and felt inspired to write about the things I’ve learned.

Let’s start with the word abuse. What does that mean to you? I used to believe it meant physical or sexual abuse. These were the things they mostly taught us about in school. I had no idea that verbal and emotional abuse were even a thing. (Parents, talk to your children about these things and from an early age)

At the very heart of abuse is the mind. It’s a mindset of gaining power and control over another person by whatever means are at the abusers arsenal. That includes physical, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse. Oftentimes in the worst cases it includes ALL of the above.

It all starts with the abuser believing they are entitled to some form of control over their victims. While many abusers use their physical strength to over power their victims into submission, others will manipulate by other means. Often, this doesn’t happen immediately into the relationship but it builds slowly over time. For example, if you are dating someone and they start trying to convince you that something is wrong with all of your friends or family. They don’t do it overtly, but slowly over time they begin pointing out all their “faults” under the guise that they are just trying to “protect you” from these people. It’s less to do with the people and everything about getting you isolated so that they become the person you rely on for support.

Secular and religious counselors have different explanations for the errors in thinking that drive this mindset. However, the end result is much the same.

The secular theory that we all have a set of morals that we feel we should live by parallels with the Christian view that we all have been born with this sense of right vs. wrong. The secular view says when we behave in ways that go against this inner feeling of morals, we start this justification process of internally justifying in our head what we did to avoid the feelings of guilt. In Christian terms we would call this guilt from our transgressions or sins.

In Christianity when we feel this guilt, we have two choices. The first is that we start justifying our actions in our hearts and minds. Something like this…

“I didn’t mean to get so mad at her. She seems pretty upset, maybe I should go apologize. But I wouldn’t have blown up at her like that if she hadn’t disrespected me! Who does she think she is! I was right putting her in her place a little. Maybe next time she’ll think twice about asking me questions like that!”

So he started off knowing he was wrong for losing his temper. Then he started listening to the voice in his own head telling him he had every right. He was justifying his actions. The Bible tells us that the more we do this, the easier it becomes. It’s called hardening of the heart.

The second choice would be to allow ourselves to feel convicted. We messed up and we feel bad because we know we messed up. Instead of trying to justify our actions to ourselves we allow ourselves to feel convicted and take responsibility. It looks like this…

“I really shouldn’t have blown up at her like that. I can see I really upset her. I hate feeling so lousy, I should go apologize and make sure she knows I care.”

When we allow ourselves to feel convicted and take responsibility we are humbled and absolved of the guilt we feel. This is called softening of the heart, and likewise it makes it easier and easier to respond this way in the future.

We are all guilty of messing up in our relationships. It’s a part of life and a part of loving. Their is conflict in even the most healthy relationships. In Christianity we view this as a result of living in the fallen world, in our fallen selves.

In abusive relationships, eventually the abuser has such a hardening of their heart that they are NEVER able to empathize with their victims. They’ve justified their own need for power and control for so long that they don’t really even need to justify it any longer, they truly BELIEVE they are entitled.

So how do you know if you are in an abusive relationship? Obviously if there is physical abuse of any kind that is NOT ok and you should plan a safe exit strategy. I will link some resources at the bottom. Other forms of abuse are not always obvious.

Think about your last several conflicts with this person. Did you feel like your grievances were heard? Were they able to admit fault in any part of it or does everything wrong in the relationship get blamed on you? Do they take responsibility for their wrongs or are they always making excuses or blaming others? Again, we all do this from time to time but abusers do it ALL the time. Notice how they act in other relationships, this can be a big clue.

I had a boss once that was a narcissist/abusive personality. I observed her around her own daughter one time and it absolutely confirmed all of my suspicions. Her daughter was a grown woman with a family of her own and her mother was treating her like a child, chastising everything the daughter said and did. I was humiliated for this grown woman being treated this way by her mom!

Abusers will use whatever means they can to keep their victims compliant. It could be a financial “gift” they hold over your head to convince you that they need to make decisions in your life. It could be something embarrassing they have on you that they threaten to release. It could be piling on the guilt, threatening suicide, whatever! It’s all about them getting power and control and that is abuse!

We think about it so often in terms of the abusive husband or boyfriend but these people can be parents, adult children, siblings, friends, bosses, co-workers, neighbors, doctors and even leaders in the church!

The first step is to identify them. Label what is happening and believe it. Other people often don’t see the abuse, especially if it’s not physical. Abusers are great at hiding the abuse and unfortunately the church is not always great about recognizing it. I’ll write about that in another post.

Abusers are so great at the art of manipulation they often have their victims convinced it’s all them.

I’ve dealt with abusers/narcissists like this in my life and can say with certainty that sometimes it’s very obvious and other times I was so entrenched in it that it took decades to see this person for who he really was and even then I didn’t want to believe it.

Once my eyes were finally opened I could never go back.

Each abuser is different in how they act. Sometimes abusers WILL apologize! Sometimes they will even experience genuine remorse. My abuser had apologized over and over and over again over a span of at least 10 years. He sounded so sincere and he sometimes cried and promised he would change. But time after time again he always responded to things the same way.

I thought I was “helping” him by always forgiving him and allowing him to be a part of my life. I’ve since learned what I was doing was in fact “enabling” him. We often think of this as an act of love, but it’s actually just the opposite because the abuser isn’t held responsible and required to really change.

In my next part I’ll talk about what to do next when you realize you are in an abusive relationship.

If you are in an abusive relationship and need help, please go to the following website to get help.

 

https://www.thehotline.org/help/