Today I ran 2 miles!  I felt like I weighed 200 pounds and my muscles in my legs didn’t seem to be working and it was my slowest run by comfort level that I’ve done in years and it felt great.  My back didn’t hurt and doesn’t hurt now so I’m really happy.

 Just to catch up on a few things, here’s what’s been going on.  So on Saturday morning I went with Tim to his race ready to run.  My plan was to run the warm up 2 miles with him and then a mile on my own for 3 miles total.  Well, I had been a little too optimistic in my belief that my back pain was gone.  After we ran two miles and my back was already feeling sore, I decided that was it for the day.  After Tim’s race started, I changed my mind and decided to run another mile but after a few steps in, changed my mind again and stopped and told myself that I had to be ok with that.  Well, Tim ran a great race, but it was a course with a lot of turns so he didn’t run a PR but still ran sub 17:30 which I thought was great.  I cheered for him and got to watch him finish, which I rarely get to do.

 Once we got home my back pain started getting worse and worse.  We were driving over to my Grandma’s house to celebrate my mom’s birthday so I took a couple of acetometephen pills and we were on our way.  Throughout the day my back actually loosened up and by the time we got home, everything was feeling pretty good.

 Sunday morning I couldn’t sleep very well and by about 5 am decided to get up so I wouldn’t wake up Tim with all my tossing and turning.  My stomach just didn’t feel right.  We ate a lot of food at my Grandma’s but I still had a small snack when we got home and it felt like it was still just sitting in my stomach.  I thought maybe this was heartburn since I’ve never had it and its common in pregnancy.  I took an antacid and ate a few oyster crackers and tried going back to sleep. 

 About 3 hours later I felt the urge to vomit and ran to the bathroom and sure enough that’s what I did.  I didn’t know what was going on.  I rarely ever throw up, even my whole life.  And I continued to vomit.  I took my temperature and it was normal so I started wondering if I had food poisoning.  The only thing I could attribute it to was the salsa I snacked on the night before. 

 Finally by about 12:30 I hadn’t thrown up in a couple hours so I tried slowly eating a plain, white, toasted bagel that Tim got me (everything in our house is whole wheat!) with some 7-up.  It seemed to go down alright but I still just felt terrible.  I only ate half the bagel.  Then after laying around until 4:30 I threw up again!  I took my temperature an hour later and it had spiked to 100.3 so I called the doctor.  He told me to head right to ER.

 I was so worried about the baby!  We rushed there and they hooked me up to a monitor and the baby was doing fine, but had a rapid heart beat and I was having contractions due to the stress and the dehydration.  I felt awful.  They gave me an IV with fluids and anti-nausea and finally a couple hours later I was feeling much better.  I ate a cup of jello which I kept down.  Exhausted, we went home about 10:30 and I fell right asleep.

 Monday I still felt pretty crappy.  I thought I would have woken up starving, but instead didn’t really have an appetite.  I ate plain, bland foods and spent the day laying around some more and trying to rehydrate. 

 Tuesday, I went back to work.  I felt a lot better and even tried some regular solid foods and while I can’t say I felt great, they stayed down at least. 

 So today, Wednesday, was the first day I even felt like possibly running and when I got up this morning, even that wasn’t looking so good.  I still felt dehydrated and weak and just not great.  However, I am glad I ran.  I took it very easy (started at 8:45 pace! And ended up averaging 8:12 pace for 2 miles). 

 Hopefully tomorrow I wake up feeling 100% and I’d like to run 3 miles.  We’ll see how it goes.  All of this and the back issues just made me really appreciate all the little things, even just running a couple miles. 

At about 12:45 pm today, I got into my car in the parking lot of the Secretary of State and started crying and called my wonderful husband.  I was sobbing so hard that he could probably barely make out my words.  I can’t really remember the last time I cried like that.  Maybe after that guy out kicked me at that race a few weeks back, but I still don’t think even then I was crying that hard.

 So what events led up to said meltdown today?  Well, last night I saw the chiropractor.  He said my one pelvic bone was completely tilted and he put it back into place.  I knew it wouldn’t be immediate relief.  Usually after an adjustment it takes 24-48 hours to really feel a lot better.  He also told me that I need to take it much easier with the running.  I told him about my 10 mile run on Saturday morning.  He said that I was running too fast.  He said that at this point in the pregnancy I should really be running only every other day, not every day.  Less distance, and slower pace.  I nodded in agreement.  Normally, I would probably protest, but this is all uncharted territory for me and its honestly more important that I still run at all than have to stop completely.  The back pain was a huge wake up call to all the things that can go wrong with my body during pregnancy when I try to do more than I should. 

 So last night after that I went home, ate a quick dinner and ran out to the store and to take my dog to the dog park.  I knew that with my back feeling the way it did I wasn’t going to walk him and I just feel so guilty when he can’t get his exercise; partly because I know how I feel when I can’t get my runs in.  Tim would have taken him, but he worked for about 4 hours on putting in our new floors last night. 

 Sparty loved running in the dark through the empty field.  He spent a good portion of the time sniffing, but definitely a good portion running.  I enjoyed watching him.  It was cold outside and it actually began to snow…the first snowfall of the year.  What I loved about watching him run was the way he just enjoyed it.  He sprinted to the field and back to me and to the field and back to me.  He stopped and panted and playfully bit at me as I tried to grab him.  It’s a little game we sometimes play and he’s so good and never gets too rough.  He bites, but very gently, and I “attack” him very playfully.  Somehow he understands that this is a form of affection and when he sees I’m done, takes off for the empty field again.  I start to get cold and look at my watch.  Blissfully unaware, he runs about very happily.  We were all meant to run.  Animals and people enjoy the rush of sensations and breathlessness that comes with running.

 Later that night, I layed in a warm bath.  The warm water felt nice on my back and I enjoyed the slightly “weighless” sensation of being in the water.  I hoped that when I woke up in the morning, my back would feel much better and that I could run today.

 When I woke up this morning my back did not feel better.  It didn’t feel worse, but I was definitely still having a hard time walking.  I packed my gym bag anyway, hoping that by lunch time, it would feel better.

 I got into work and went right into a meeting, followed by another meeting that went for 1.5 hours.  I stood up and my back was WORSE!  I tried running a couple steps and quickly realized that running today was not an option.  

 When I traveled through security last week at the airport I must have dropped my driver’s license.  I discovered this on Sunday at the grocery store when I went to buy some alcohol for Tim.  Once home, I dumped out my entire purse and searched for it to no avail.  So on Monday I went online to figure out how I needed to replace it.  It SAYS on their website that you can replace it online so long as you know your name, date of birth, social security number, eye color and drivers license number.  I got my license number from my car registration.  Every time I put in the information I got an error message.  So today I decided to go to the Secretary of State to get a new license in person.  Online it did NOT say that I would need a passport or birth certificate.  Well, of course when I get there and wait in line and finally get called, that’s what the lady tells me I need.

 I waited until I got into my car before the tears came down.  Such a stupid thing to get so upset over.  I realize that a good portion of this is my pregnancy hormones and being extra emotional.  The larger issue though I think is that I’ve been frustrated since coming back from my trip.  Security seemed to be sort of rude to me at the Miami airport, I had to request a pat down instead of going through the body scanner, and then there was the gate change, the heavy bags, the rude stewardess and then the ensuing back pain and not being able to run for a couple days.  Tonight I’m going to try swimming and see if that feels ok on my back.  I have a massage after work and then I’ll try to swim at the middle school pool. 

 I don’t mind swimming, I bet it will actually feel really good and it will do me wonders mentally just to be able to work out.  However, I don’t want to be limited to swimming for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I’d like to run again.  Even if that means only every other day, taking it slow and avoiding hills.  

 I’ve got about 16 weeks to go in this pregnancy (maybe only 13, maybe as many as 18) and I guess my fear is that if this back pain lasts and I’m totally limited in movement throughout the rest of pregnancy.  That will be really hard on me. 

 After Boston I did take maybe 8-10 weeks off of running and I got through it.  It seemed like such a long time though and I guess some of my emotions come from fear.  While I’m telling myself that with enough rest, my back will feel better, it is very much an unknown so there’s this fear at the back of my mind that it won’t get any better and I’ll be stuck like this for another 4 months!  And its not just that I can’t run either, but that EVERYTHING hurts!  I can hardly walk, stairs are nearly impossible, twisting, sleeping, sitting…its all been painful.

 And I get from some women that are telling me “yeah that’s all a part of pregnancy and it will only get worse” and I know that a certain amount of aches and pains are to be expected.  However, let me be very clear, this is not your everyday pregnancy back pain.  This is like “give me the vicoden” if I weren’t pregnant because its INTENSE, excruciating and doesn’t let up. 

Happy November First!  The start of a new month and the start of a new month closer to my due date. 

 After Monday evening’s sunset run, I ran on the treadmill (dreadmill) on Tuesday because it was raining and windy and cold.  I could have just sucked it up and ran outside, but I really didn’t feel like getting soaked.  So I went to the Snap fitness and hopped on the treadmill.  It was only 5 miles so I figured it couldn’t be that bad.  Well, a little over a mile in and I started really wanting to get off of it.  I don’t know what it is with me and treadmills but I just can’t seem to zone out.  I had my music, I tried watching the tv, but I just get so bored with it so quickly.  Just running at the same pace in the same spot for almost 40 minutes just seems like a certain form of torture, especially when running itself is not all that comfortable right now.  So I decided to do a little “workout”.  After 2 miles, I picked up my pace to 7:03 for a half mile.  Normally, this wouldn’t even be close to a workout for me, but the pace did feel challenging enough for me.  Then I ran easy for a half mile, then I ran at 7:03 for just a quarter mile, then a half mile easy, then one more quarter mile at 7:03 pace and then I ran easy for the last mile.  Made the time pass so much more quickly, even though that wouldn’t be considered a “workout” by my normal standards.  Getting to that next point was just something for me to focus on and break up the total distance a little more.

 Last night I was determined not to do the treadmill again so even though it was drizzly and windy and cold, I ran outside.  Compared to Monday’s run this one started out in the “bad” category.  Almost immediately, I had pain in my abdomen and felt very “full” and “heavy”.  I had a lunch meeting yesterday and had a couple slices of pizza.  A couple of times during the run I burped, which really happens hardly ever for me, especially during a run…I felt “sour stomach” and just really bloated and full.  I told myself that the first two miles are usually the hardest when I feel like this, and if I could just get through those it would be better.  I started thinking about how I’m running 13.1 on Saturday and how much I’m struggling to just “get through” two at this point.  I started to wonder about if I’ll feel this way during 13 miles on Saturday and how I’m going to talk to Carol and keep her motivated when I just want to stop! 

 Thankfully, after a couple miles, I did feel much better.  I don’t know what it is, maybe sometimes the baby is just in a certain spot and needs to shift around or what, but miles 3-6 I barely felt my belly and even though I still felt “heavy” and full, it seemed much easier and I realized that if I feel like this on Saturday I should be fine.

 Still, I was concerned enough to think about what I’m going to do with running after this half.  There will be nothing requiring me to do any long runs, so what should I do?  I always thought I’d at least be able to get to 7 months before I’d really have to reduce my mileage and reading some different blogs from different women who ran through their pregnancies and were ticking off 10 milers through the entire second trimester I thought for sure I’d be able to.  However, I have to accept that every woman and every pregnancy is different and I shouldn’t compare myself to theirs and use that as my guide to what I should do. 

 I’d like to at least try running 10 milers on Saturday’s after this half; however, I think I need to build in certain conditions.  The first has to be that I’ll plan on running 10 miles, but if I start out and am really uncomfortable, I’m not going to “push myself” to just get through it.  I don’t want to hate running and feel like I’m punishing myself by forcing me to deal with such pain and being uncomfortable.  I need to pick routes with plenty of bathroom stops on the way.  I probably need to start bringing my cell phone with me too so that if I do get out too far and don’t want to have to run all the way back, I can call my husband to come pick me up—unless he’s running with me!  If he’s running with me though, and I start feeling that way, I could always have him run home and me go and wait for him inside one of the potty stops. 

 If I try this plan and it doesn’t go well, I need to reduce my distance.  Maybe for me, at this point in my pregnancy the longest distance I can handle is 6 miles?  I could live with that. 

 Today, I’m planning on running a 3 mile run during my lunch break.  I hope it goes well…guess we’ll see.

As Hurricane Sandy hits the East Coast and leaves many people without power, schools and businesses shut down, we in Michigan can’t really complain much about the little effects we notice.  One of which is the strong winds. 

 Last night I ran after work.  I had a lot of time this weekend to think about running and the pregnancy and how I needed to maybe change my attitude.  I found a great blog, by a runner named Jen who’s list of accomplishments include some incredible PR’s that kicked off about 5 months after the birth of her daughter.  Naturally, I was excited and as I read through her blog found her to be funny, quirky and personable, and mostly very likeable.  So I sent her a note with my email address attached asking her for some advice on what she did while she was pregnant.  To my surprise, she replied right away and I was surprised that she not only had not done really high mileage throughout her pregnancy, but also she said she took a month off after giving birth to get back at it.

 So this made me think.  All this time I’ve been pushing myself so hard to run a certain mileage, even as my body was starting to tell me that it doesn’t like to anymore.  To that, I told myself to “toughen up” and appreciate the fact that I could still do it and just “get through it”.  I told myself that gritting through the pain and uncomforts during this time would strengthen me mentally and physically so that I’d be in better shape after the baby is born.  I knew I’d never risk the baby’s health, never push myself “too hard”, but as long as I knew that she was safe, I could make myself as uncomfortable as I could. 

 Now, does that really sound like taking good care of myself?  But Kara Goucher did such and such!  Well, I’m not Kara Goucher.  I have a full time job from 8-5 and can’t just go out and run when my body feels like it the most.  I can’t get all the sleep that I feel like because I still have to get up at 6 am to get to work on time and I can’t take naps, etc.  So why do I feel like I have to hold myself to the same sort of “running pregnant” standard as her? 

 Well, I don’t.  So yesterday, I had on my calendar to run 8 miles.  On Sunday night I started getting out my running clothes to go for an 8 mile run in the morning, looked at the forecast, saw numbers in the 30’s, knew I couldn’t run during lunch hour (I had a lunch meeting) and I was getting all stressed out about it already and just said “Enough!”.  I decided right then that I was going to run after work and that I wasn’t going to run 8 miles, just 6.  And I’m going to taper all week because that’s what I’d be doing if I was racing a half marathon this Saturday.  I’m not racing a half marathon on Saturday, I’m just “running” one, so I had previously told myself that I didn’t need to taper.  Well, running for 13.1 miles with an added 13-14 pounds of weight on my tiny frame may not be the same intensity as “racing” 13.1 miles at my pre-pregnancy weight was, but its certainly no jog in the park either.  Its hard on my body…how hard?  Its hard to know, hard to explain, but I do notice that days after my longest runs lately I’m more tired, my muscles are more fatigued so I do believe that it’s a different level of effort required and I should reward my body for carrying out this task by giving it the rest it is so desperately craving right now!

 So all that said, I was actually looking forward to my 6 mile run last night instead of dreading it.  And from my first step, I actually felt less pain in my abdomen than I usually do.  I don’t know if its because my belly really seemed to balloon up, or pop out over the last few days and my maternity belt finally could be snug enough to give it ample support, or what the reason, but I enjoyed it.  Sure, as the miles went on, it did worsen and I still had the uncomfortable pressure on my bladder and everything else.  I talked myself through some tough points (like going up the several hills on the hilly course I chose) and then when I had just two miles to go, everything turned against me.  I had to run uphill, into wind that reached gusts of 35 miles an hour, all while feeling the horrible sensation that I really had to go to the bathroom.  And you know what, I laughed.  I looked at the shade of pink that was coloring the light colored houses as I approached them from the setting sun and marveled at the beautiful orange that seemed to color the sky and all the trees in front of me in a sort of gold.  I felt the wind fighting against my tiny body that was carrying an extra 13 or so pounds up hill, I felt the struggle, glanced at my watch briefly and saw my pace at that moment as 8:13 and just enjoyed it all.  Its funny to me that sometimes I whine over little things that “ruin” my workouts or races.  I constantly seek perfect weather, perfect courses for running PR’s and feel so frustrated when things don’t work out just perfectly.  Yet in some of the toughest, challenging moments, I’m somehow able to lightly laugh it off and enjoy those moments that question my sanity.  I felt this way the day that I did the 12 mile run in the pouring rain and I felt it last night.  It’s a sort of euphoric “live in and enjoy the moment” type of feeling that seems to come from out of nowhere and sneak up and surprise me at moments I’m feeling particularly weak and vulnerable. 

 Attribute it to whatever you want.  I’m religious so sometimes I may wonder if this is a message I’m supposed to see and take comfort in knowing that its all going to be alright.  The wind last night was chilling and strong, but when I focused my attention on beautiful sunset before me, I felt comforted and knew that I could run through the wind, albeit at a slower pace, and that was ok. 

 Yesterday was a day that started with some struggles.  I called my doctor for the second time during the pregnancy because I felt awful all morning and had lower back pain and abdominal cramps and it terrified me.  I ended the day feeling strong and comforted. 

 Runs like yesterday happen rarely in life, which is why its so important to reflect on them and find their meaning in your own life. 

 In this pregnancy, I can fight the wind that is surely coming on strong and can’t be avoided and “get through it with pain and toughness”, or I can relax, focus my gaze on what lies ahead in the horizon, adjust my expectations and enjoy the journey.

Its no secret that I’ve been struggling with running over the last few weeks.  I’ve talked about the pain and discomfort of it all, yet how I fight with myself to keep doing it. 

 The truth of the matter is that since I was about 14, running has always been there for me.  I was never particularly outgoing or incredibly social growing up.  I always had several really great friends and honestly wasn’t too insecure ( I mean honestly, who is really confident going through puberty anyway) but my point is that running changed all of that for me.  I was naturally good at it from the start, but I also found that it was something that I could get better and better at the harder I worked at it.  This can be true in many areas of life, but for me with many other sports that I tried growing up, no matter how hard I practiced I was never going to have great hand eye coordination, throw a hard fast ball or be able to make those game saving catches.  Running was different.  I found that I could push myself to the point of pain and exhaustion and keep going at that pace for miles.  And I found out that I really, really enjoyed winning.  I loved racing people!  I loved how I could watch my competitors and look for their one weakness and use it against them.  I loved making myself hurt and that it brought me to levels of success that I had never dreamed possible before.  Running gave me a very different self confidence.  I knew I would never be the prettiest, the most adored of my classmates, but I didn’t really care.  I knew that if I worked really hard, that maybe I could be the fastest, and somehow that seemed to be even better to me anyway. 

 It also really opened up my social circle.  I met my best friend when I was a freshman in high school on our cross-country team.  Val was a sophomore and we ended up even running in college together.  She’s highly competitive too, which sometimes I think its amazing we’ve been such good friends all these years.  When it comes down to it though, I love her with all my heart and I am always wanting her to be successful in running and in life.   Fortunately, or unfortunately for us depending on how you look at it, we haven’t really had the opportunity to race each other much over these last several years.  She and I seem to take turns being injured and pregnant so we’ve had the chance to really be each other’s cheerleaders and I’ll admit its sort of nice.

 What does all of this have to do with today?  Well, Tim and I decided to do a fun little 5K.  I have been trying to still find some races to sign up for just to keep my training fun and add variety, plus its Halloween weekend.  Well, on my run on Thursday when I kept running 7:30 pace I started to wonder if I’d be able to run this fun run sort of hard.  Not like an all out race, I’ve said that I’m not doing that while pregnant and will never change my mind.  However, I thought about the summer and how I ran a couple 5K’s comfortably hard and thought that maybe it might motivate me in my running a little bit.

 Honestly, during some runs this last week I started wondering how much longer I can keep doing this.  Then I get mad at myself for being such a wimp and start motivating myself by thinking about how continuing to run as long as I can can help me to come back even stronger and in better shape than before.  I think…”If I can just run a few miles up until my delivery, no matter how slow, it will allow me to start running again pretty quickly after delivery as long as there are no complications.” 

 Tim and I warmed up together this morning and honestly I wasn’t feeling very well.  My abdomen felt very full and had a lot of pressure so when Tim asked how fast I wanted to go I told him I really didn’t know.  The race started and some kids and a guy went out pretty fast and Tim and I held a steady 6:30 pace until we hit some trails and hills and slowed down to just over 7 minute pace.  I felt pretty good at this pace.  The hills were challenging and I was working hard, but could still talk to him and was smiling and felt like my breathing was harder but still controlled.  Well, before we even hit the first mile, Tim and I had passed everyone and were leading the race.  The guy had stayed pretty close behind us and during the second half of the second mile I started putting some distance on him. 

 We were still under a 7 minute pace for the second mile and amazingly I felt tired but also good.  My abdomen didn’t really hurt and I just felt like I was racing with Tim again.  I started thinking about how cool it would be to tell our daughter about us winning a 5K when she was 5.5 months “old” in my belly.  I started to get really happy and enjoy the experience.  Yes, I was tired and I was working harder than I have in months, but it was still in control and I was happy and felt so good.  I looked over my shoulder many times as we entered the last half mile and saw that the guy was quite a bit behind.  Still, I kept on the pace, running a 6:25 mile for the last mile.  Well, with 400 meters to go the guy started kicking and was quickly closing the gap.  I was comfortable where I was and knew that if I wasn’t pregnant, I would have picked it up more and that would be that, but I thought about the little peanut and knew that I wouldn’t feel safe pushing it faster than I was going at this point.  Tim noticed the guy too and said “Now that will make me mad if that guy passes us.”  I said “I know, don’t let him, just go and get him, don’t let him win.”  I knew that I wasn’t going to kick it in, but I didn’t mind if Tim did just so this drafter didn’t get the chance to win that way.  Tim said “No, I’m staying with you.”  And I’ve gotta love him for that.  I wanted him to get that guy, but it also made me happy that he wanted to be with me, his wife and his child.

 Well, we were holding this guy off and with less than 200 meters to go I looked back and realized that he wasn’t making a move and that we’d actually get this.  Excited, I started running into the finish line without looking back again.  I was crossing the line, hitting my watch when all of a sudden the weasel out stepped me going right into the chute.  Are you kidding me???  Suddenly, I was furious.  I would have rather he had the balls (excuse me) to just pass us in the final 200 meters than sit on me like that and just edge by me in the chute.  His wife was there congratulating him and I was seething. 

 “I hope you felt good about that!” I shouted out to him “You outkicked a 5.5 months pregnant woman!”  Tim said the same thing.  I may have said some more things than that.  I may have had more anger than I’d like to admit about something that seems so small and unimportant.  I’d like to say that that was it.  That I walked it off and let it be, but I didn’t.  In that moment I was so incredibly angry and in disbelief.  I immediately started cooling down and was pretty silent to Tim the whole way until we were within a few feet of two miles out.  I stopped my watch, bent over and the tears and the emotions just started pouring out.  No one else was around.  Very few actually get to see the raw emotion that lies beneath all that anger.

 “Running has just been so hard for me lately.” I blubbered out to Tim.  “I know it doesn’t make sense that I’m this bothered by that jerk, but its just been so hard for me.  All these months I’ve been taking it so easy and I haven’t been able to race.  Today I felt so good and wasn’t even expecting something like that, but it was there and I was so happy that I’d get to win again.  It felt so good and I thought about telling our little girl about it.  Now that’s all gone.  I felt like that guy just took it from me and I felt like he did it in such a cheap, sneaky way and…and…and…” Tears, sobbing.

 Tim hugged me and listened.  I told him that I’m so happy I’m pregnant, and I mean it.  I am.  I love this baby and her safety and health is more important than anything else right now.  But I told him “I’m still me.  I’m still competitive and I still want and like to win and I can’t help it.”  Somehow he seemed to understand more of what I’ve been going through.

 I feel guilty for being that way.  I know so many women that have such a hard time getting pregnant and then there’s so many things that can go wrong so I don’t want to sound so ungrateful for the wonderful miracle that exists in my belly right now.  I do take it easy on the runs for her and I won’t push myself past a certain point, for her.  I’d be lying though if I tried to say that it wasn’t hard for me and that I don’t miss this part of me with every inch of my being.  Being a woman and a mother can be complicated.  It’s the greatest blessing I’ve ever known and I worry about her incessantly, even if I go a few hours without feeling a movement.  Yet its hard to sit out and be a host too.  I’m ok with my body changing.  I really don’t mind that my belly gets bigger every day and my clothes are getting tighter and the weight on the scale goes up every week.  Call me crazy, but I honestly believe that I will get my body back after she’s born.  I’ve gone through that transformation before.  My body had put on 43 pounds and my muscles were mush and I worked it back into better shape than it ever was before so I know I can do it again. 

 My biggest issue with the pregnancy is that it changes my running.  When I’m having a stressful day I can’t just put on my shoes and go for a nice, vigorous run that feels great.  Its uncomfortable now. 

 So while that guy may never understand my crazy reaction, and maybe no one else will either, it both reassures me that I haven’t lost that competitive juice that flows within my veins and also makes me wish I could just control it better.  I’m very hard on myself and I think at some point or another all of my coaches realized this and knew that when I had a bad race they didn’t need to say anything at all.  I really need to give myself a break.  Its easier said than done.  Today I didn’t win the whole 5K but I was the first woman and at 5.5 months pregnant, that has to be good enough.

My biggest complaint with pregnancy so far is all related to running.  I really didn’t think it would be this hard so early on.  I’m not really that big yet so I’m frustrated that my runs have become so uncomfortable.  My pace hasn’t slowed down and strangely enough, it seems like I feel better at the faster paces than the slower paces. 

 That being said, sometimes I do feel pretty good.  Sometimes my abdomen just “aches” from the pressure and I wear my belly band and sometimes this seems to help, other times it seems like the tightness of the band makes the pressure worse.  Ugh.  I just want to go for a run and feel like I did at 12 weeks!  Today I did 8 miles.  I actually went out 2.5, looped back to my house to use the bathroom (I didn’t wear my belly band and I had the sensation of having to pee the whole run) and then I went out another mile and back and was feeling good so I tacked on another mile.  I guess I may just have to play everything by ear like this on my runs, which is hard for me because I’m just such a planner.  On the plus side, since I’ve eliminated hills from my runs, scaled back my mileage a bit and been massaging/heating my calf every night, my calf pain has at least gone away.  Now if I could just figure out how to deal better with the pressure in my belly.

 Sometimes I tell myself this is good for me because its teaching me to deal with pain.  Running is something I enjoy and unless I’m doing a hard workout where I’m really pushing myself I usually feel pretty good while running.  This is completely different.  I’m just counting down the miles/minutes until my run is finally over with.  I always feel better after I’ve run but its just getting so hard to get through it.  And I have almost another 5 months to go where its likely to get worse?!  I’m just venting.  I’m so thankful for the pregnancy and for so many things.  I’m just having a hard time dealing with this.  I hope tomorrow will be a better running day and then I’m always so thankful and excited for Fridays as my day off.  So sad that I think that way but honestly I’m much less stressed on my off days because I don’t have to worry about how I’m going to feel.

Here’s my 5 month pregnancy belly shot!

Watching someone else run a marathon can be one of the most inspiring moments for any runner.  I experienced this for the first time when I watched my best friend Val run a marathon a week after my wedding.  I knew after that day that I just had to do one.  Yes, she was in pain and ultimately didn’t run the time she had hoped for, but I was still just amazed and in awe of her.  Yesterday, I had the pleasure of watching my brother in law and several friends run their first marathon.  It wasn’t just inspiring because he ran a 3:14.59 for his first marathon ever and qualified for Boston with a tenth of a second to spare, but that he had the courage to get to the starting line in front of friends and family and put it all out there.  Seeing him at the end struggling to walk and knowing exactly how that feels made me hungry for my next. 

 Its crazy, I never thought I’d become a marathon junkie.  Its long miles and dedicated training for months and months.  I thought I’d be content to do a few and mostly run 5K’s and half’s.  Strangely enough its seemed to be a good distance for me.  So what does it take to successfully run a marathon? 

 Dedication to the training.  This is an absolute must.  To complete 26.2 miles you absolutely have to put in the time and the miles.  Undertrained, I could probably “get through” 26.2 miles if I had to, but it wouldn’t be fast and it wouldn’t feel good.  A 5K or 10K on the other hand, if you have enough natural talent and stay in decent shape, you really can get by with very little training.  To build the kind of endurance and speed endurance it takes to run for about 3 hours requires things of your body that its just not ready to do on any given day.

 Patience.  Both in your actual training and in the marathon itself.  You have to train your body gradually to be able to handle the distance.  You don’t just go out on day one and run 20 miles.  You slowly build up to it.  On race day, you have to have the patience to keep your pace in check in the beginning.  Everyone feels great the first several miles of a marathon.  You’ve been tapering and carb loading and the pace is not too fast to begin with so its easy to “feel great” and think you’re in better shape than you realized and go out way too fast and pay for it later.  You need to have patience to go your pace and wait until the very end to see what you’ve got left and really push it.

 Courage.  Every time you get to that start line you run the risk of something going horribly wrong, not meeting your goals, etc, etc.  It takes courage to train for and complete a marathon.  Even more so if you tell people your goals out loud.

 Healthy Lifestyle.  Some people that run many marathons may not agree with that statement.  But I stick to my guns in saying that if you want to run a marathon well, you have to embrace a healthy lifestyle.  That doesn’t mean completely avoiding all junk and becoming anti-social.  But the majority of your diet should be made up of healthy foods that enhance your training.  Junk in=junk out.  Its as simple as that.  And giving your body ample time to rest and recover is very much a part of that equation.  You shouldn’t be sleeping 3-4 hours a night while training for a marathon.  Your body needs the extra rest to repair tissues and make you stronger.  Same with keeping your mental health in check.  Training for a marathon can really make you crazy.  I’ve experienced it.  So its important to make sure you have a strong social circle and spend some time doing things other than running, thinking about running, reading about running, talking about running…etc.  Live a full life.  Running should be a part of that life, not your whole life. 

 These are just a few of the things I think you need to have a successful marathon.  I think its worth it and have come to enjoy all the craziness that embodies it.  Some Saturdays, getting up and running for 2 hours, AGAIN, is the last thing I want to do and all I think about is how jealous I am of those runners that go for a nice little 6 or 8 mile run on Saturday morning and get on with their day.  Then when I’m the runner going for those shorter Saturday runs I actually miss the long runs.  Not the time they take, but more of the sense of accomplishment you feel after and the peace of mind that comes with a 16 mile run.  Its not for everyone, but it sure is for me.

Today has been wonderful so far and full of emotion.  We got to see our little (yes, girl) on our ultrasound and it was just amazing.  The last ultrasound we had at 7 weeks she was just the size of a peanut and looked a lot more like a tadpole than a human baby.  Today it was much different.  She actually looked just like a baby and we got to watch her move about and even open and close her little mouth.  Tomorrow we go back to meet with the doctor and figure out what everything we saw means, but this is what we know so far.  She’s a girl and she’s growing one day ahead of schedule bumping the due date to 3/4/13.  After this morning my outlook on the world seems a little different.  I’m happy and calm and excited.  Tonight Tim and I go out to dinner, just the two of us to celebrate and talk about names.

Running…well, its been a very bumpy ride.  I’ve had great runs this week and terrible runs.  Yesterday I went out at lunch and got a mile and a quarter out and seriously considered walking back.  My left calf was so tight and hurt with every step and my abdomen just felt that uncomfortable pressure and I just wasn’t feeling like how I like to feel when out for a run.  I stopped and stretched, for quite a while actually and tried to figure out what to do.  I finally told myself to just give it another shot for a couple minutes and then I could walk back to work if it still was feeling so bad.  Well, what do you know, I felt better and actually completed my 6 mile run.  After I was done though, my left calf was tight again and I could feel it in pain every time I walked.  At home last night I used the heating pad to loosen it up for 15 minutes, then used the roller to massage it, then used my ultrasound device (different than the baby ultrasound but same idea) to get a really deep tissue massage on the muscle.  I stretched it and this morning it did feel much better, but I still don’t know if I should run today or take an extra day off?  I’m telling myself that an extra day off won’t hurt and will only help, but its hard for me.  I’m so type A that I like to get in all my weekly miles and hate to take an unplanned day off.  So…I’m putting off making the decision until I get home from work.

Another topic that I wanted to discuss after reading an article a couple days ago is about cheating in athletics.  There was a runner who had accepted approximately $40,000 in prize money spread out over several small races that has admitted to doping his blood.  His defense is that he never raced “unclean” and only used the aide to help him while recovering from an injury.  With everything going on with Lance, this has become such a hot issue so I wanted to discuss my thoughts on the matter.

I’ll start with saying that I don’t think cheating is ever ok.  Athletes at every level have to push their body very hard and always test the limits in order to see results they desire, and with that always comes risks.  Risks of injury.  In my running career dating back to high school I’ve dealt with my fair share of injuries and they are devastating.  My last one seemed to come at the worst possible time.  I had just run a break through marathon and felt like I was only beginning to tap the surface of my ability.  Dreams filled my head and my heart of races and new PR’s and prize money.  But I had to put all of that on hold.  I was devastated and I just wanted so badly for someone to just be able to ‘fix’ what was happening to my body.  I felt sorry for myself and I cried and I drank too much as a coping mechanism and I limited my food to unreasonable levels and lost about 10 pounds in only a few weeks.  I felt like I had worked so hard and didn’t deserve this.  I was constantly searching for cures but never once did I think about taking some illegal aide to help myself get better.  As time went on, I even came to realize that what happened was probably very good for me and thankfully, Tim and I were able to experience something of such great joy from a time of deep pain.  I became pregnant!

Then there’s performance and racing to think about.  Yes, its nice to win races and its even a little sweeter to win money at races, but I honestly can say that I still compete for me.  What’s most important to me is that I perform well in my own opinion, regardless of who else shows up or what ever glorious prizes await me.  I love to push myself and I love to improve.  That is what its all about to me.  As such, I just could never feel good about my performance if I knew that I was cheating or doing something outside the rules.  And because I feel so strongly that there are enough athletes that DO play by the rules and deal with the occasional injury (and for some if its their profession, their income is tied to this as well) I really do believe that those that don’t play by the rules should be punished severely.  A two year ban is usually enforced and I can’t really say whether or not this is harsh enough.  Usually with professional athletes they are stripped of their awards/records and lose their sponsorships.  For this runner though, I really think he should have to pay back all the money he collected in prizes.  Pay it to who, I don’t know.  It would be nice though if his earnings during those years were donated to a charity, maybe even a charity like Girls on the Run or some other youth athletic program that teaches young children a positive message about health and sports.  Am I being too harsh?  Isn’t everyone entitled to make mistakes?  Isn’t that a part of being human?  It is, but then I think that for every prize that this guy accepted, there was someone else that was playing by the rules that missed out.  To me its sort of like a banker or accountant that’s skimming money off their clients in small enough amounts that no one notices.  Its still wrong.  Its still profiting at the expense of others and what does it do for yourself really?   Does it help you grow as an athlete or a human being?  Because I think that has to be a part of it to.

Running doesn’t define me, but it does help me grow as a person.  There are so many life lessons I’ve learned from running.  Even dealing with set backs, disappointments and injuries can be a learning and growing experience if you let it.  But if you’re always giving yourself an unfair advantage and allowing yourself to truly push beyond your own limits and still be successful, well then what’s point in any of it.  If you never experience pain, how do you feel the pleasure?  If you never experience setbacks, how much great can the glory actually be?  So, it is my opinion that when athletes cheat, they’re not just cheating someone else, they’re cheating themselves the most.

The moment I crossed that finish line at Myrtle Beach and ran a 2:52:01 marathon was a moment that I’ll never forget.  It was elation that was better than any type of artificial “high” that I think you could ever experience from any type of drug.  All of the hardships, all the pain, all the self doubt that I had to tackle seemed to make that one moment so much more glorious than it could have ever been if the whole thing had been easy.  Knowing that I had accomplished that goal and that no one could ever take it away from me, and I had done it all by myself was a treat more desirable than gold.  Those are the moments that I live for and work hard for.  I would never want them to arrive from something cheap and unnatural.  I truly hope that this runner has learned from this after all and that he becomes a better person and athlete because of it.

Saturday’s run went so great that it made Monday’s run seem so hard in comparison.  I’ve still been really tired and didn’t really catch up on sleep like I’d hoped over the weekend.  I feel much better but still have some congestion and coughing so I decided to sleep in until 6 on Monday and post-pone my run until after work.  Tim did the same thing so we ran together.  I had 8 on the calendar and honestly was not looking forward to it all day.  This is another reason why I prefer to get my run done early in the morning.  It was a crips fall evening and pretty dreary and overcast, but not rainy and I was happy to be running with Tim.  From the start though it felt “hard” or harder than I would have liked.  The pressure in my belly was there, and pretty intense which just made it “uncomfortable” for pretty much the entire 8 miles.

 With a couple miles to go I had to go to the bathroom real bad so that made it even worse.  We ran at rush hour so there was lots of traffic, not huge shoulders and all together it was just not as great of a run as I had hoped for.

 Still, I got through it and I felt good about that.  I was thinking though, I run because I enjoy it and runs like that are not all that enjoyable. 

 Today I had seven on the calendar.  I brought my clothes to work and planned to run on my lunch hour.  The route was hilly and from the start it was feeling very similar to yesterday’s run…lots of pressure in the belly.  I was surprised though when I looked at my watch and saw that before I got the first mile I was running 6:53 pace out of nowhere.  I purposely slowed down and told myself to take it easy, but I HAD been taking it easy.

 Mile 2 was not so great either and my calf started to bother me again (same one from a couple weeks ago).  I stopped and stretched it and realized I really didn’t feel like running.  The route I picked was very hilly and the uphills bothered my calf more.  During this part of the run I started to feel very frustrated and defeated.  I love running, but I don’t love the feeling of being that uncomfortable and I started to wonder if I would reach my goal of running throughout the entire pregnancy.  I started to think that after this half marathon I just really need to cut back my miles and focus on shorter runs to “get through” the duration.  Then I thought about how I should continue running the longer distances as long as I could since I know that at some point I just won’t be able to.  Well, I started to get sad thinking about not running as much as I’d like and how much I missed going for runs that felt great, not even to mention doing workouts.  I was disappointed that I was starting to feel the way I was and just wished I felt more comfortable like I had in the earlier weeks of the pregnancy.

 Then, as I clicked off the third mile and was mostly done with the hard hills something odd happened.  The pressure in my belly “eased up” considerably.  I don’t know if the position of the baby is what puts the pressure there and that the baby moved or what was the cause.  I just enjoyed it.  Instead of thinking about how I was going to “get through” the rest of the run and counting down the miles I was just running again and free to think about other things than my current level of pain/uncomfortable feelings.  The next couple miles ticked by and I was surprised to see that my pace was 7:22 for those couple miles without any increase in effort.  The last mile I wanted to be done, as usual but it was less about being uncomfortable and more about just finishing and having the run done with so I could get one with my day.

 I still don’t know for sure what exactly causes the pressure I feel and why sometimes it just “let’s up”.  There are just so many unknowns but I do know that I’m thankful for each run and for each day that I’m able to continue running, even when its mentally hard due to the pressure.

 Another thing for me is that I probably need to give up some of my sense of “control” and expectations I put upon myself.  I want so badly to keep running decent miles to keep up my endurance for labor.  Feeling like I have to hit a “plan” and sticking to my schedule can leave me feeling guilty if I want to cut a run short or take an extra day for rest when really, I should be listening to my body.  I think part of it too is a fear that I have of getting horribly out of shape and gaining too much weight during the pregnancy.  My weight gain has been on track, but its been very steadily increasing at a fast rate and I wonder how it would be if I wasn’t running.  There are other exercises too and I’ve thought about that and strongly think that maybe after this half I will trade in some of my running days for possibly swimming. 

 I’ve thought about the elliptical too, to try to keep the intensity more similar to a run, but honestly for me, working out indoors is not something I particularly like.  It sort of feels like punishment.  Swimming is something I enjoy, but at the same time I know its not the same intensity as running so it wouldn’t be quite a 1:1 switch.  Still, its nice to keep my options open for maybe a couple months down the road when/if I really just can’t run.  And I need to be ok with that too.  I have this attitude like because I really want to run up until my due date, I have to.  I need to not be quite so hard on myself and allow myself to do what really feels right.  This may or may not go according to MY plan.

 Strangely enough, I’m so much more easy going about my “birth plan”.  I figure that I’m just going to see how the whole thing goes and let myself and the doctors decide what is right for me and the baby when the time comes.  I may want drugs, I may not need them…either way, I’m not going to formulate a specific plan because that can lead to disappointments if in reality it goes in a completely different direction.  I keep thinking I’m going to deliver about 3 weeks early, but maybe I go two weeks late!  I’m also hoping for a speedy delivery but in reality, it could be a couple days and I may be so exhausted at the end that I don’t care WHAT the doctors have to do to get that baby out. 

 Obviously, I’m strongly hoping against having a c-section, mainly because of the recovery time.  However, if that ends up being what is safest for the baby, that’s what will need to be done.

Its been somewhat of a rough week.  My cold got worse.  I didn’t run on Tuesday but I also did not get up early on Wed and run!  I woke up early on Wednesday so congested and feeling awful so I decided to sleep in and take a work from home day (since my co-workers would not have wanted to listen to me blow my nose all day anyway!). 

 Later in the day on Wednesday I convinced myself to go for a quick 3 mile run to see if it would clear out some of the congestion.  I ended up feeling really great and turning it into a 7 mile run!  The best part was that I felt like it did clear my head a bit.

 Yesterday was our 4th anniversary.  After work we went for a 5 mile run together and while I really tried to psych myself up for it, I really just wanted to get it done with so we could go to dinner.  Well, we ran and it was kind of cold and got dark early with scattered little rain drops here and there.  Afterwards I was coughing a lot.  We had a really nice dinner though and I was thrilled to wake up this morning feeling much better.  I went for a short little 3 miler today at lunch.  It wasn’t as great as I thought.  It was very pretty out and the weather was perfect, but I just felt a little uncomfortable pressure where the baby is. 

 Tomorrow, I will attempt to run 12 miles straight through all by myself as Tim is leaving really early for a football game.  I’m hoping I can sleep in, and I’m really hoping I don’t have to stop too many times to go to the bathroom.  Then I’m heading to visit with my mom and grandma as we go attend a fall festival and chili cook off!  Sounds fantastic!

 I gained 2 pounds since last week, although I wonder if some of it is just from the rich food we had for dinner last night.  Surprisingly, I’m not getting overly concerned about it.  Baby has been moving a lot lately and I really can’t wait until next Thursday when we find out if it’s a little boy or girl.

 That’s about all that’s going on right now.  I wish I could go home and take a nap.  I’m so tired, but I think its just from this stupid cold and not really sleeping very well at night.