Emotional Breakdown in the Parking lot of the Secretary of State 11/13/12

At about 12:45 pm today, I got into my car in the parking lot of the Secretary of State and started crying and called my wonderful husband.  I was sobbing so hard that he could probably barely make out my words.  I can’t really remember the last time I cried like that.  Maybe after that guy out kicked me at that race a few weeks back, but I still don’t think even then I was crying that hard.

 So what events led up to said meltdown today?  Well, last night I saw the chiropractor.  He said my one pelvic bone was completely tilted and he put it back into place.  I knew it wouldn’t be immediate relief.  Usually after an adjustment it takes 24-48 hours to really feel a lot better.  He also told me that I need to take it much easier with the running.  I told him about my 10 mile run on Saturday morning.  He said that I was running too fast.  He said that at this point in the pregnancy I should really be running only every other day, not every day.  Less distance, and slower pace.  I nodded in agreement.  Normally, I would probably protest, but this is all uncharted territory for me and its honestly more important that I still run at all than have to stop completely.  The back pain was a huge wake up call to all the things that can go wrong with my body during pregnancy when I try to do more than I should. 

 So last night after that I went home, ate a quick dinner and ran out to the store and to take my dog to the dog park.  I knew that with my back feeling the way it did I wasn’t going to walk him and I just feel so guilty when he can’t get his exercise; partly because I know how I feel when I can’t get my runs in.  Tim would have taken him, but he worked for about 4 hours on putting in our new floors last night. 

 Sparty loved running in the dark through the empty field.  He spent a good portion of the time sniffing, but definitely a good portion running.  I enjoyed watching him.  It was cold outside and it actually began to snow…the first snowfall of the year.  What I loved about watching him run was the way he just enjoyed it.  He sprinted to the field and back to me and to the field and back to me.  He stopped and panted and playfully bit at me as I tried to grab him.  It’s a little game we sometimes play and he’s so good and never gets too rough.  He bites, but very gently, and I “attack” him very playfully.  Somehow he understands that this is a form of affection and when he sees I’m done, takes off for the empty field again.  I start to get cold and look at my watch.  Blissfully unaware, he runs about very happily.  We were all meant to run.  Animals and people enjoy the rush of sensations and breathlessness that comes with running.

 Later that night, I layed in a warm bath.  The warm water felt nice on my back and I enjoyed the slightly “weighless” sensation of being in the water.  I hoped that when I woke up in the morning, my back would feel much better and that I could run today.

 When I woke up this morning my back did not feel better.  It didn’t feel worse, but I was definitely still having a hard time walking.  I packed my gym bag anyway, hoping that by lunch time, it would feel better.

 I got into work and went right into a meeting, followed by another meeting that went for 1.5 hours.  I stood up and my back was WORSE!  I tried running a couple steps and quickly realized that running today was not an option.  

 When I traveled through security last week at the airport I must have dropped my driver’s license.  I discovered this on Sunday at the grocery store when I went to buy some alcohol for Tim.  Once home, I dumped out my entire purse and searched for it to no avail.  So on Monday I went online to figure out how I needed to replace it.  It SAYS on their website that you can replace it online so long as you know your name, date of birth, social security number, eye color and drivers license number.  I got my license number from my car registration.  Every time I put in the information I got an error message.  So today I decided to go to the Secretary of State to get a new license in person.  Online it did NOT say that I would need a passport or birth certificate.  Well, of course when I get there and wait in line and finally get called, that’s what the lady tells me I need.

 I waited until I got into my car before the tears came down.  Such a stupid thing to get so upset over.  I realize that a good portion of this is my pregnancy hormones and being extra emotional.  The larger issue though I think is that I’ve been frustrated since coming back from my trip.  Security seemed to be sort of rude to me at the Miami airport, I had to request a pat down instead of going through the body scanner, and then there was the gate change, the heavy bags, the rude stewardess and then the ensuing back pain and not being able to run for a couple days.  Tonight I’m going to try swimming and see if that feels ok on my back.  I have a massage after work and then I’ll try to swim at the middle school pool. 

 I don’t mind swimming, I bet it will actually feel really good and it will do me wonders mentally just to be able to work out.  However, I don’t want to be limited to swimming for the remainder of the pregnancy.  I’d like to run again.  Even if that means only every other day, taking it slow and avoiding hills.  

 I’ve got about 16 weeks to go in this pregnancy (maybe only 13, maybe as many as 18) and I guess my fear is that if this back pain lasts and I’m totally limited in movement throughout the rest of pregnancy.  That will be really hard on me. 

 After Boston I did take maybe 8-10 weeks off of running and I got through it.  It seemed like such a long time though and I guess some of my emotions come from fear.  While I’m telling myself that with enough rest, my back will feel better, it is very much an unknown so there’s this fear at the back of my mind that it won’t get any better and I’ll be stuck like this for another 4 months!  And its not just that I can’t run either, but that EVERYTHING hurts!  I can hardly walk, stairs are nearly impossible, twisting, sleeping, sitting…its all been painful.

 And I get from some women that are telling me “yeah that’s all a part of pregnancy and it will only get worse” and I know that a certain amount of aches and pains are to be expected.  However, let me be very clear, this is not your everyday pregnancy back pain.  This is like “give me the vicoden” if I weren’t pregnant because its INTENSE, excruciating and doesn’t let up. 

 

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