We just found out our nearly 18 year old cat is dying of kidney disease. It wasn’t unexpected. I’ve never had a cat live past 18 years, actually. I’ve had some who lived much shorter lives but of those that lived the longest, I don’t recall one ever living past this age.

And of course there were physical signs. She’s not been grooming herself much these past few years, and even though she’s a short haired cat, she’s been getting tangled clumps of fur that you can’t even get out with a brush. I made the mistake of trying to cut these clumps off before and I accidentally cut her skin, it bled like crazy and I felt horrible. So in December I bought a cat shaver (yes, you really can find just about anything on Amazon) and I shaved her fur instead. We’ve since let it grow back though, keeping a close eye on any tangles.

She’s always been a tiny cat, but when I shaved her, I realized just how skinny she had become. So I knew it was likely she didn’t have much longer to live. She was still eating and using her litter box, and she still gave us lots of love.

Then last week she stopped peeing in her litter box. She was peeing on the cement floor just outside her litter box. I had a feeling it was the beginning of the end, but I wanted to take her to the vet just in case it was a simple problem like a UTI or crystals in the urine that we could easily treat and not cut her life too short if she wasn’t in pain and was otherwise having a good quality of life.

The vet told me she’d lost 50% of her body weight since the last time she’d been in. She was down to just 4.5 pounds. So in addition to testing her urine, the vet did some blood tests to see if there was something bigger going on, and, not totally surprising, there is. She’s got stage 4 kidney disease.

Now, I have had pets my whole life. I know how this goes. And I don’t believe in trying to extend an animal’s life if it’s just going to prolong their pain and suffering. But I also don’t want to jump the gun, if she’s not in a lot of pain. Sometimes it’s really hard to know when to make that decision, so I asked the vet if she was in a lot of pain.

She’s dehydrated, so the vet said the best thing is to get fluids in her. And then if she’s acting ok, we can assume she’s still having a good quality of life. However, if she start’s vomiting up her food, and not greeting us anymore, these are all signs that she’s in a lot of pain.

So the vet got us some kidney support wet cat food to try to get some fluids in her and I let the kids know that she’s not going to be with us much longer. It can be a tough conversation to have with kids, but I actually think it’s good for kids to go through this with a beloved pet. I certainly did many times growing up and I think it teaches kids about death.

My 4 year old can’t really understand death. But he will understand it better when he sees that the kitty doesn’t come back. My 8 year old was his same age 3 years ago when we said bye to our other cat (also almost 18), her grandpa, and our dog all within a month.

The kids took the news pretty well, as I think I’ve been preparing them for it for a while by talking about how Bitzy is very old and frail, and that cats don’t usually live more than 20 years. They asked how much longer she has and I told them, one week, maybe 2, maybe less. It’s hard to know for certain. They’ve been wanting to check on her and they are being so very tender and sweet. Telling her goodnight before bed, and goodbye before school in the morning.

I took her some of the wet food earlier and she ate it right up. I sat there with her for a while, just watching her eat, thinking about life, and death and aging.

She was the kind of cat who always looked like a kitten. She’s always been small and slim. Her coat was always shiny (until the last few years) and she always just sort of acted like a kitten. Seeing her now, all skin and bones, her fur has lost its luster and she smells like urine. Yet she rubs the side of her head on my hand, and her face still looks very kitten like. I wonder if she’s in pain, and I hope she’ll let me know when she doesn’t want to go on any more. In this moment, she seems pretty happy.

And I think about when I got her, 18 years ago. My other cat, Puma, who we said goodbye to on May 10th, 3 years ago, was lonely when I moved out of my parents house and into my very first apartment. I rescued Bitzy as a friend for my other cat. And they became the best of friends. All the years I had them, I’d frequently find them cuddled up together, snoozing.

I was a different person back then. I was just 23, and thought I knew everything. I had just started my first real job, had my own apartment, and it wouldn’t be long after I got her that I met my husband. We got engaged, married and bought our first home.

Moving into our new house, I thought we had lost Bitzy. She was so scared of the commotion from moving that she hid in the ceiling. She never really recovered from that incident and the stress of moving to a new house. She started being scared and hiding from people whenever they came over. She still came out for us though. And she always came out for the kids, even when they weren’t exactly nice to her by grabbing her tail and trying to pick her up (which she’s never liked being picked up).

She was there when we brought home our first puppy, and then 3 little humans, and then when we brought home another puppy, which she still doesn’t like and makes sure he knows it.

She’s been there as I’ve grown up. Just like her, I’m not young anymore, and I have the wrinkles and grey hairs to prove it. And I still don’t know everything but at least now I KNOW it.

I see her struggling and it is a stark reminder that this is a part of life. She’s not peeing in her litter box anymore because she’s lost control of that function. And just because she’s no longer a kitten and she looks pretty sickly, it doesn’t mean she’s no longer worthy of love and dignity. I still can see the kitty in her that she once was. And I think about myself and other people and how we feel the same way. I don’t think of myself as anything other than that young girl I was when I got her, just maybe a lot more humble and wiser. But I still want the same things. Simple joy and love. I see that’s all she wants too. And I want to give it to her, and when she’s had enough, I want to do the right thing and help her pass from this life easily. She deserves that. And I want my kids to see the compassion we have for those that have lived a full, long life and are ready to go. That the elderly are important and absolutely worthy of love and compassion and dignity.

Death is hard, but it’s a part of every life. And I think it’s good for kids to see it happen from a young age. We have our religious beliefs that we talk about with them as a family, for what we believe happens after death. My kids asked me if pets go to heaven, because someone who was a Christian told them pets do not go to heaven. It’s ok if you believe this, and I told them that we really don’t know. I had looked in the Bible before and it doesn’t say specifically. But I told them that after some searching I had a few thoughts. One of which was that we know Heaven is a place much better than Earth. And it’s hard to imagine that if loving pets is something we enjoy here on Earth, that it would be something people would miss in heaven. But I told them I don’t know and that sometimes there are just things we won’t know while we’re in this life and that that’s ok. They are free to believe their pets will be waiting for them in heaven, it doesn’t harm anyone. And then I like to let them think about it and figure it out themselves. And they know they can always talk to me about these hard things, no matter what.