Category Archives: Uncategorized

In defense of running

Leave a reply

I’ve been seeing a lot of social media posts lately claiming that running makes you gain weight or wrecks your hormones. Every time I come across one of these statements, it really gets under my skin.

I’ve been running year-round since I was about 15 years old. That’s nearly 27 years of consistent running. It’s been a steady presence in my life through all of its ups and downs, and it’s one of the most important tools I have for becoming the best version of myself.

First of all, the claim that running makes you fat is simply incorrect. By definition, an activity that burns a significant amount of energy cannot directly cause weight gain. That said, I also understand the nuance behind this idea: burning a lot of calories doesn’t always translate to fat loss or even weight loss. I learned this firsthand while breastfeeding my three children. Despite the fact that breastfeeding burns a substantial number of calories, I actually tended to gain weight during those periods.

When we look at this from an evolutionary perspective — which I often do (and which, by the way, aligns with my Christian worldview and supports my belief in intelligent design) — it makes perfect sense. It wouldn’t be beneficial for a woman who is nourishing two people to lose excessive fat and risk starving both herself and her baby during times of scarcity. In fact, research shows that even though breastfeeding burns calories, a woman’s body is designed to protect fat stores as a survival mechanism. This gave women an evolutionary advantage, and during times of famine, women survived better than men.

When women are breastfeeding an infant, we have additional mechanisms that are working to ensure survival of both. The hormone prolactin, which is responsible for milk production, also promotes appetite and can prevent the breakdown of fat. I can remember feeling hunger like I’d never felt before when I was breastfeeding my oldest. I remember stuffing energy bars in my bathroom drawers so in the middle of the night when I was up with her, I could satisfy my extreme hunger.

Additionally, low estrogen (which can suppress ovulation, because again, you’re already providing for one infant, your body wouldn’t want another pregnancy yet) can affect fat distribution and reduce metabolism. Then there’s the fact that most new moms are not getting a lot of sleep and often experience higher stress levels, increasing cortisol which also promotes fat storage, instead of breakdown. So I often gained weight the first 6 months of breastfeeding with all of my kids!

The claim that running can make you fat, is based on the fact that intense cardio is a stressful event. As such, it can increase cortisol, which encourages fat storage instead of fat breakdown, but this claim over simplifies a very complex process.

Yes, high intensity cardio exercise can temporarily increase cortisol levels. So again, we turn to evolutionary biology. The thing is that exercise is one activity that humans are highly adaptive to. And we are incredibly well suited to long distance endurance events. Think about our ancestors who had to hunt for food. They often had to run animals to exhaustion in the heat of the day. This was particularly helpful in the African savanna’s where humans would run the animals in the open sun until they would collapse from exhaustion.

What gave us these advantages? Humans can sweat, unlike most other mammals that can only pant to cool themselves. We also are not covered in thick body hair, which allows our skin to cool faster. Thinking back to the breastfeeding example, where it doesn’t make sense for a woman to lose fat storage when she’s feeding two humans, it likewise wouldn’t make evolutionary sense for humans that could run as part of supplying food to store excess body fat that would surely slow them down.

Running can temporarily increase cortisol (the stress hormone) which can free up energy to be able to perform the work. Very long running sessions or high intensity running can increase the stress on the body in the short term. It’s actually chronic high stress (from lifestyle, not enough available energy, etc) that can cause fat increases.

If someone inactive starts an exercise like running for the first time, it can increase stress levels over activities like walking. That’s why I recommend if someone is just starting out, they start with a walk/run plan that gradually lets the body adapt to the stresses of running, like a couch to 5K training plan.

Humans bodies are wired to respond effectively to the physical stresses we place on it. When high intense bouts of running are combined with proper rest and recovery, the body is able to adapt and increase our fitness, or our ability to tolerate load.

In the short term, after running, people might find the number on a scale going the opposite way they want. This is because of the adaptations your body is making to help you tolerate the load in the future.

For example, your muscles start storing more water and glycogen (energy), which can make your body weight increase. It’s important to understand that this is not fat, it’s water and available energy stores. Which is one of the reasons, if you are trying to lose excess body fat, and you start exercising, I recommend not weighing yourself often because it can psychologically be defeating to see the scale going up.

Here’s what can happen to your body that can positively impact your body composition from regular running:

• Improved insulin sensitivity (reduced insulin sensitivity is one of the biggest causes of fat gain today)

• Your body stores less fat and burns more glucose (a sugar) effectively

• Running burns calories, not just when you’re running, but also improves your resting metabolic rate (overall metabolism)

• Your body adapts to be better at using both fats and carbs for fuel

• Your body adapts to better regulate hunger hormones (again, having excess fat would not have helped our running ancestors)

• Long term aerobic activity reduces visceral fat (the deep, more harmful fat)

• Running can change your overal body composition, especially when combined with strength training to have greater muscle and lower body fat

When you’re well adapted to running, it no longer causes high cortisol spikes. For example, if I go for a short recovery run where I’m just running easy it’s not really increasing my stress. My body is adapted to exercise, so the stress load is not more than going for a light walk for someone who doesn’t exercise.

Your recovery system (the parasympathetic system) becomes stronger, so cortisol spikes return to baseline faster. This helps you handle not just exercise stress better, but ALL stress better.

So while starting an exercise like running can temporarily increase stress and even make you gain weight on the scale, long term it improves your body composition and can help you reduce your stress levels overall, leading to fat loss over time.

The next claim, that running can mess with your hormones is rooted in the same logic.

If you’re always doing high intensity or excessive cardio (like always running for an hour or more every day) it can affect your hormones negatively.

This can actually breakdown muscle and suppress immune function. It can impair the thyroid, and promote fat storage.

In women, high training loads with inadequate fat levels can cause amenorrhea or cessation of menstruation. By the time amenorrhea starts estrogen and progesterone have dropped which can lead to bone loss, mood dis regulation and decreased fertility

In men, high training loads with inadequate energy availability can reduce testosterone which likewise can reduce mood, energy and muscle mass.

The body actually slows down metabolism when energy requirements are not consistently met to conserve energy making you feel tired, cold intolerant and can make you gain weight.

I believe this is where the claims about running making you fat and disrupting your hormones comes from. Often these claims encourage walking and weight training over running.

There is nothing wrong with walking or weight training as effective exercises to reduce body fat and improve overall health and body composition. Not everyone likes running and individual body differences can make the stress of running harder to tolerate. I’m certainly not suggesting that everyone should run or that it’s superior to other forms of exercise that other individuals enjoy more. The best exercise for an individual is going to be one they enjoy and will continue to do regularly.

Unfortunately, for many athletes in their younger years, running was given as a punishment and so people naturally associate running as hard and even painful (no pain, no gain) instead of a relaxing activity. I’ve heard someone say that running doesn’t count unless they’re sweating profusely and miserable. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like something I’d like to do very often.

You can see that the claims running makes you fat or disrupts your hormones are disingenuous.

Starting running slowly and ensuring proper rest and recovery as well as adequate nutrition can absolutely improve your overall health and body composition without sacrificing your hormone health.

Regular Running, especially compared to other lower intensity activities can benefit an individual by:

-improving heart efficiency (lower resting heart rate)

-reduces the risk of hypertension (high blood pressure)

-improved VO2max (maximum oxygen uptake) associated with longevity and running improves this significantly more than walking

-Increased bone density (the force of running on the bones causes them to adapt by increasing density)

-Stronger muscles especially in the lower body, which has the largest muscle groups

-Increased tendons and ligament strength

-Better joint health (which is also another false claim I see a lot of, that running bad for your joints, especially knees) running actually improves cartilage

-Muscles become more efficient at using glucose (reduced insulin sensitivity)

-better fat metabolism

-Immune system improvements (regular running increases immune surveillance)

-Improved stress resistance

-Improved resting metabolism

-Improved balance and proprioception.

-Enhanced brain function (promotes growth of new brain cells)

-Better sleep

-You burn more calories per minute running than by walking or weight training so if you’re short on time, running is an efficient way to burn a lot calories

-Running improves mitochondrial function in your cells

-Can increase your lifespan and reduce your cancer risk

-When done correctly without overtraining can help women balance estrogen and progesterone

Psychological Benefits:

-Improved mood

-serotonin and dopamine is boosted

-Improved memory

-Promotes growth of new brain cells

-Creates feelings of accomplishment and can boost resilience

Running can be a very mentally challenging form of exercise. I do love running and the many benefits I derive from it, but not every run is an enjoyable experience and some days I absolutely dread doing it. These are typically days where it’s freezing or there’s tons of snow or it seems like no matter which direction you’re running in, the wind is in your face! Sometimes when it’s a downpour and it’s already cold outside I sit there trying to talk myself into just getting out there.

The thing is, when I do, I always feel so much better and I find I feel even more accomplished the harder the conditions were. I heard it said that when you show up for yourself when it’s tough, you’re building trust within yourself. When life throw’s unexpected curve balls (and it does) you can look back on these difficult things that you got through and have confidence in yourself.

Sometimes with my kids who are too young to have built a ton of resilience yet will get so defeated at the first sign of difficulty. It’s a skill you need to practice, and running truly drives this lesson home.

Our society has become increasingly more comfortable. Yet it has not made us any happier and in fact, the mental health crises continues to just get worse. Running can be hard and uncomfortable, but for humans, who have been highly adaptable to uncomfortable environments for all our history, perhaps regularly making yourself uncomfortable can help you appreciate the things we often take for granted. I know for me, grinding out a long run in the bitter cold of winter makes me appreciate a hot showers and a warm cup of coffee so much more. And a run in the pouring rain can actually be fun once you get over the fact that you’re going to get wet.

I don’t remember many of my runs in college in detail, they mostly all just blur together but I do remember some of the harder runs in terrible weather that I made it through with my friends and teammates. My friend has a photo of us still in her home after a long run where the snow was coming down in our faces so hard that our eyebrows and eyelashes were completely covered by chunks of ice! We could barely even see, but we did it!

It know running isn’t for everyone, but I don’t want people to not do it because of poor information circulating on social media. If you enjoy it and want to do it, it absolutely can help you reach your health goals. You do need to be careful not to do too much too soon, or to overtrain without enough fuel. These mistakes CAN absolutely derail your plans. We adapt to progressively higher loads, so you should always build up mileage or training load slowly, a good rule is no more than 10% increases week over week.

My personal rescue story

Leave a reply

Our pastor at church said we all need to share our personal rescue stories, even the ordinary. I have a completely ordinary story. He says ordinary stories are helpful to ordinary people. Deep breath. Here goes…

I grew up in a mostly non religious home. Both of my parents grew up in religious homes, so it’s not like we didn’t believe at all or never talked about God. Mainly God and heaven were talked about when someone died and we kids had questions. It was this easy, comforting answer to give to kids. Good people go to heaven, bad people go to Hell. We never went to church, except maybe on rare occasions or the odd Christmas service here or there. There was no reading of Scripture or much in the way of conversations about God or Jesus.

I had a very basic understanding of the important people in the Bible. I knew God was God and that Jesus was His Son. I knew about Adam and Eve and how they messed up everything for all of humanity, which I thought was unfair. I knew about Moses from watching the old movie that was on cable every year around Easter, I think it was called, The 10 Commandments. And this was my understanding too about how to be “good” or “bad”.Good people didn’t kill people or steal, or lie.

I was an oldest child, so your typical rule follower. I had no idea then, but my basic understanding of Christianity was the Old Testament or law way of thinking. I had to earn my way to heaven by following the rules.

When we start to grow up, the question of identity comes to the forefront of everyone’s mind. What is my identity? It may not be a question we’re consciously asking ourselves, but it’s there nonetheless in trying to find out where we fit in to the world. I happened to start running cross country in 9th grade at age 14, which turned out to be a crucial time for me. That’s where I found my identity as a runner. Specifically as a fast runner.

This summer I read Sydney McLaughlin-Levrone’s book, Far Beyond Gold: Running From Fear to Faith, on the recommendation of one of my best friends (who I met that freshman year running cross country). There was so so much in her personal story I could relate to. Even though she is a decorated, medal winning Olympian and I was just a winner of local races, I shared so many of the same fears she did. My 11 year old daughter read her book too, and finished it and read it again.

Running is a great hobby, but it makes a very terrible god. What I mean by that is that running is a very good thing. That’s partly what I mean when I say that my story is ordinary. I wasn’t caught up in addiction or embezzling or anything like that. Those stories are powerful, as they really showcase the power of God in transforming individuals completely.

For many of us ordinary people our idols aren’t in the extreme. We’re not rescued from the streets. Yet, we are saved nonetheless.

An idol is anything (that could be a very good thing) that you make it god in your life. It’s when you say, “once I have that, then I’ll be…complete, happy, valuable”, pick your adjective.

I found my identity in running and even more so in the success that came with it. When I performed well, I felt good about myself and I was happy. If I performed poorly, well, you can imagine I was really hard on myself. Who was I of value if I wasn’t a fast runner??

As time went on and my running performance proved a pretty unreliable idol to stack my whole identity on, I started branching into other areas. I tried to find my value in relationships, in my work ethic, in success in general.

As it always was with running, when my life looked good on the outside, I felt good on the inside. But what about when the deck of cards starts falling down? Broken relationships, not getting that promotion, indicators of failure left me confused. Life was full of winners and losers to me, and if I wasn’t a winner, I couldn’t be a loser!

As a result of my trying to always fix everything, I stayed in toxic relationships way too long, sacrificed my own happiness and health to at least appear successful, and used my running as a crutch to get me through when times were tough.

By my late 20’s, on the outside, I was a high functioning adult with a career and a husband and I even could add winning a marathon to my identity. It seemed only natural to have a baby, which plenty of ordinary people do. I could certainly do it.

Then motherhood happened, and if nothing in life will humble you, motherhood will.

Nothing about motherhood was easy for me. And of course, in my comparison game I played in my head, there were winners and losers and I couldn’t deny that I was a loser in this area. My oldest child had colic and screamed most hours of the day. I tried everything to help her and nothing seemed to work, or, work consistently. We went to the doctor, I tried pacifiers and rocking swings and driving her in the car. Eventually, the only thing that I could do was put her in a wrap, and pace around the house until she cried herself to sleep. Then, once she was asleep, my aching body would try to stop moving, to sit down and no sooner would I stop moving and she’d be up and crying again.

My social media feed was full of other moms with sleeping little babies, in their car seat or stroller. They actually took their babies places. I was confined to the house and it was wearing on me. One day, I did attempt to take her to Hobby Lobby for my own sanity and I remember we got there and she was screaming so I’m walking around holding her and people were staring and an employee came up to us to see if we needed help. My daughter had a good set of lungs, which seems to have come in handy now that she’s running too. I remember seeing another woman I knew from work in the store who was also on maternity leave with her peaceful baby in the store and I hid and left.

I felt so ashamed. I was failing at something that was supposed to come naturally to me as a woman.

Thankfully though, God had been there my whole life, trying to get me to find Him. When I look back, it’s many of the people of faith that were a part of my life that ultimately led me to finally answer His call. They wore their faith like a piece of them that they never took off. And when life was hard, they still clung to it. I wanted some of what they had.

I remember it was near Easter that I started reading the Easter story. I had read through some of the Bible in my college years and had felt I fully got the message but after that I stopped pursuing it. Reading about Jesus, and about the Pharisees, I could see myself…as a Pharisee!

The Pharisees were the religious leaders at the time. They were the rule followers. They prided themselves on being the best of the best. They looked down their noses at others. That had been me!

They killed Jesus because He threatened their god of pride.

I had lived much of my life self focused on success and I looked down at those who struggled. I justified my own shortcomings while harshly criticizing others. This was ultimately because my identity, my whole sense of being, was tied to the outward appearance of success.

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, pretenders (hypocrites)! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self indulgence.”

-Matthew 23:25

After Easter, I was hungry for more, so I kept reading Scripture. And I haven’t stopped since. We started going to church as a family and my kids are learning the gospel. They may not fully understand what it all means until they are older, but they know the basics of it, even my 5 year old. We read Scripture together nightly and we pray. That’s not me trying to say, “look how much I’m doing.” It’s rather an indication of how much my life has changed since giving it over to Christ. But I’ve gotten ahead of myself.

For me, I understand now that it wasn’t all Adam and Eve’s fault but that I’m personally responsible for my own sinful nature. I chose to serve the god of pride and success and self interest.

Jesus paid the price of my sin. He died because of me. Jesus, who never sinned and lived the perfect life took on my punishment. He did this willingly and as a free gift of grace to me. I didn’t have to do anything other than accept it. Once I accepted the sacrifice of Jesus into my heart, my old ways died, and I became a new person. Now, this doesn’t mean I never sin. It would be false to think that Jesus’s sacrifice on the cross only wiped my slate clean and then I had to perfectly follow the rules again for the rest of my life.

No, my old ways of thinking had to die. I have accepted myself with a new identity. I am a sinner. This means I’m still a sinner. It doesn’t mean I have a free pass to just live the way I want, it means I have a changed heart. One that’s soft. One that listens to the Holy Spirit when it convicts me of my sin.

And my works grow from that changed heart. The good I do now is not in my own self interest, and it’s done when no one is watching. But people should be able to see it. This is the fruit of the Spirit. This is what I saw in the other Christian’s that were influential to me. They weren’t perfect. They still made mistakes. But when they did, they corrected them. They didn’t cover them up. They didn’t blame others. They were trustworthy.

I’m not perfect. Far from it. The grace I’ve been given I did not earn and I don’t deserve. I still sin. But I feel convicted of it now instead of making excuses. I repent and I try to live like those Christians I so admire. I am free from feeling like I always need to succeed in order to feel valued. I’m deeply loved, and the parts of me that fail have been accounted for by Jesus.

Running? I still love it and it’s a part of my identity but it’s not my identity. Running is a gift I am able to enjoy. Should I ever not be able to run, I know I’ll be ok. Motherhood? I love it. It truly is the hardest work I’ve ever done and I make mistakes all the time but I give myself grace because God is gracious. My kids are sinners and we all give each other grace and forgiveness, though sometimes we don’t always get this right off the bat.

If you are wanting to know more about Christ or the gospel, please reach out to me. I’d love to have a no pressure, non judgment discussion with you. We’ve found a church I love that we call home, and I would love to have you attend with us sometime if you want to. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to me or someone, but are still curious, I would suggest you start by reading God’s word, or Scripture. If that’s too overwhelming for you, like it was for me, start by reading the Easter story. I read it online and then started reading in the New Testament after that. I read online in the King James Bible online. I read every day. I don’t read for hours on end and I have never read the whole Bible in a year, it takes me two or three years to get through the entire Bible but I’ve now read it about 3 times. I still am learning how to apply Scripture, that’s where a good church helps but I also use study guides that are online. I currently am using David Guzik’s online study guides as he covers every single chapter and really brings home the main idea.

The New Testament is a good place to start reading because it tells the good news about Jesus. And once you understand Jesus, reading the Old Testament makes more sense because you see all the foreshadowing of Jesus. Just start reading. Start today. Even if you only have a few minutes. And start praying. Pray that God would open your mind and heart to receive His word. I’m praying for you too.

What I learned from my year with a WHOOP

Leave a reply

My husband and I got WHOOPs last year and tried them out. Our annual contracts were up for renewal earlier this month, and we decided not to renew them mostly due to the high cost and figured we already learned quite a bit from them. Coincidentally, my Garmin watch that I’ve been running with for maybe 7 years completely died on me last week and I had to go two full days without a watch! I upgraded to the new Garmin and it actually has many of the features of the WHOOP that we liked without the yearly fee!

The WHOOP, is a device that is worn usually on the wrist or upper arm that transmits data to an app in your phone. The data includes heart rate, respiration rate, sleep data, stress data, activities, heart rate variability, etc. Every morning it summarizes this data and gives you a recovery score. This number is supposed to show you how recovered you are from the activities from the day before. It takes sleep into account and heart rate variability to give you your recovery number.

It also gives you recommendations, like taking a rest day if you overreached the day before, etc.

Heart rate variability (HRV) can be used as an indicator of fitness, but also recovery. So a higher HRV indicates a higher level of fitness. The day after a big workout or long run, your HRV would be lower, indicating you need a recovery day. Then when you see that number go back up, it typically indicates you’re recovered. So your number alone doesn’t really mean much until you’ve had several weeks of data.

So here’s what I learned, as a female runner with a years worth of data.

The first thing you may notice right away is how alcohol affects your recovery and your HRV. I’ve heard of many people actually completely giving up alcohol after using the WHOOP. My husband is kind of one of those people. I can see why. It’s one thing to know that alcohol is going to negatively impact your health when used in excess. It’s another thing to visibly see it’s effects in real time.

I’m not a big drinker to begin with. I consider myself a social drinker and I typically don’t have more than one or two drinks on days when I am drinking, which is typically only socially. Still, I definitely saw a much lower HRV, regardless of the activity I did the day before with even just one drink the day before. The absolute lowest recovery score I ever received was the day after my friend’s birthday, when I had probably had a little more than a couple drinks. My recovery was a big fat zero and even had a picture of a skull! It made me laugh, but also it was true that I wasn’t feeling so great. What I used to be able to handle in my 20’s completely kills me in my 40’s. Good thing I don’t make nights like that a regular occurrence.

What was surprising to me, was how much my monthly cycle had an effect on my HRV and therefore my recovery score. It caused me to actually do some research on how female hormones affect the body systems and I really uncovered something interesting.

For a long time, women were not represented in studies because our cycles completely threw off the results (imagine that). Now, for most research grants to be approved, the researchers must include women, unless it’s something that really doesn’t apply to us at all. So things are getting better, but unfortunately many of the decades worth of research into sports really only applies to men. So I’m going to break down what I learned.

The beginning of your cycle, is generally considered the first full day of your period, day 1. Day 1 is when both the female hormones estrogen and progesterone are both very low. What was crazy interesting to me was that my HRV and my recovery score were always very high on this day, and actually throughout the entirety of my period. What? Even when I had terrible sleep the previous night, even if I did a long run or a workout.

After my period ended and I started the estrogen dominance phase of my cycle where the body is preparing the eggs for ovulation, my HRV would go down but still stay higher than they would during the later half of my cycle. This is when patterns would emerge and I would see lower HRV the day after a strenuous workout and higher HRV after recovery days.

Then, about a week after ovulation, when progesterone is dominant, my HRV would suddenly drop, even after recovery days or even rest days. Only to spike up again once my period started. After noticing this pattern for months, I dove into the research.

As it turns out, the low HRV during the progesterone phase, or luteal phase is almost a sure sign that you did in fact ovulate that cycle. During this phase, you’re more likely to be dehydrated and your body is not as readily able to break down carbohydrates for fuel. Your metabolism is actually higher and you need more calories than during the rest of your cycle. And your basal body temperature is higher, which means you can over heat faster. Now how is it that I lived 41 years as a woman and am just finding this out?

So I thought back to some of the times when I had a bad workout for no reason in particular and just shrugged it off as a fluke, or even a race that I thought I was prepared for but just felt flat. Could it be, that at least some of these events happened to be during the luteal phase and I really was competing with less available resources.

Interesting to me too, was that I can recall some of the best workouts I had ever done were on the first few days of my period. What was that all about?

It’s well known that heat generally has a negative impact on running performance. As your body makes fitness gains, one of the adaptations it makes is being able to more efficiently cool yourself off. Humans and horses are able to do this by sweating. When our body starts to overheat, our blood vessels dilate, bringing to blood closer to the surface of the skin and away from our core to cool it down. We also start to sweat. The more fit you are, the more you will sweat, which can be rather embarrassing is some situations but it really is an indicator of good fitness.

This ability to cool yourself down is what allows you to keep performing at high levels. It’s why heat training in the summer can lead to faster fall races. And there’s a whole market right now for interesting ways to cool your body down to allow you to keep performing. My husband is trying one of these out currently. It’s a device that you can freeze and then use it to cool the palms of your hands during an intense workout of either lifting or running. In small studies, participants were able to take on more training loads and the gains they achieved held up over time.

So the fact that your temperature is lower during the first half of your cycle is not some minor thing. It makes a big difference. If your starting temperature is lower, it’s going to take longer to overheat. This allows you to run faster, for longer.

Your also better able to break down carbohydrates for energy and your body holds onto more water, which means your better hydrated. In practice this means you’ll be better able to crush your workouts and your races.

So does that mean that your workouts and races are doomed if they happen to fall during the later half of your cycle. Not entirely. Knowledge is powerful though. Once I learned these things, I started making changes during the later half of my cycle.

First of all, I need to hydrate much more than I do during the first part of my cycle. That’s something that’s easy enough to do. I also started to notice that I tend to pee more frequently during the later part of my cycle. So I just need to keep drinking, and often closer to the time that I’m going to run. And make sure I’m not peeing out all my electrolytes by adding some kind of electrolytes into my pre run water. (Right now I’m really liking using Nuun tablets and LMNT).

Also, I need to eat more food, and again, more food closer to the times I run. Even if that means simple sugars because they are quickest and easiest to digest.

Lastly, I need to dress lighter. If it’s hot, it’s going to be hot and there’s not much you can do clothes wise if you’re already planning on running in a light tank and shorts. But you can try to wet your face or hair before your run or try the palm cooling method on your run too. An easy way to do this is to freeze water bottles and set them along the course you plan on doing your workout at so you can grab them during any rest portions to help cool down.

Then of course, during the beginning phases of your cycle, if you’re feeling great, don’t be afraid to go for it. Set new PR’s, crush that workout. Still make sure you have adequate recovery periods in your plan though so you don’t get injured.

I hope you can find this useful. The other strange insight I found was that when I’m sick, my HRV and recovery score go through the roof. It’s odd because I feel like crap, but my HRV is telling me I’m set to take on new fitness challenges! Ha! I don’t recommend that. I did try to dig in to understand this trend and found LOTS of other people on the internet experiencing this strange phenomenon but the only real explanation I could find for it was parasympathetic overshoot. Basically the part of the nervous system that is trying to get you healthy again goes overboard.

It’s definitely interesting and fun to look at the data but I don’t think I need to pay for it all the time now that I’ve learned so much. Have you tried tech devices like WHOOP or something similar for your fitness? What was your experience?

Why losing weight isn’t simple

Leave a reply

I’ve had a fire in me ever since I saw someone on Twitter making a statement that losing weight is as simple as moving more and eating less. When many commenters we’re pointing out the flaws in this thinking, the poster doubled down.

His message couldn’t be more clear: if you’re overweight, it’s because you’re lazy and eat too much. This is actually a very lazy view that prevents people from attempting to understand the complexity of the human body, and the even more complex ways our modern world is messing it up.

I’m not a doctor. Please don’t just take medical advise from me. I went to school with an education in physical education and I’ve been an athlete for most of my life. Additionally I’ve spent a lot of time researching science behind exercise and nutrition, as well as modern lifestyle. I want to help share what I’ve learned with others because I think we desperately need it.

Our bodies are amazing. It’s one of the reasons I absolutely loved studying them. A modern machine would be lucky to have been built the way our bodies are, and there are STILL systems we don’t fully understand. These systems have allowed humans to remain at the top of the food chain, despite the fact that we are not the fastest or the strongest predators.

The problem is that our modern lifestyle is so out of touch with the way humans have lived for centuries and we are paying a hefty price. Our bodies were made to survive in times of starvation and stress. An understanding of human metabolism is not simply a formula of calories in equal’s calories out to maintain weight.

Let’s start simple and talk about basil metabolic rate (BMR). This is the amount of energy (measured in kcals or just calories for short) that it would take to sustain your life if all you did was lay in bed without moving and eating food from a tube. But no one really does that. So how do we measure something like that? So we estimate, and these estimates can be completely in accurate. To figure out how much energy you require daily, you need your BMR, which is estimated based on your height and weight and also your typical activity level, plus the energy you burn doing additional activities (mostly this is any exercise you do).

So then the simplistic view is that to lose weight, you must get your energy needs to be higher than the energy (or calories) you’re taking in each day.

The problem is, once you start going in the negative TOO MUCH, your body thinks it’s starving, and as I said before, we’ve got a solution for that! So your BMR, basically lowers and now the amount of energy you require to rest all day is even lower! So basically, the formula you were using before is no longer a calorie deficit. I’ll show an example.

Say a woman’s BMR is 1,500 calories a day and let’s say she wants to lose 50 pounds. She’s going to do this by exercising to burn 300 calories a day and reduce her calories by 200 per day, for a total of 500 calories per day deficit.

So if her BMR IS 1,500 + 300 from exercise, she requires 1,800 calories per day to maintain her current weight. But she’s trying to deduct 500 calories a day, so she’s going to eat only 1,300 calories a day.

She probably will lose some of this weight in the beginning but then her BMR gets the message that less food is available, so it reduces down from 1,500 per day to 1,300 a day. So then her formula is 1,300 + 300 = 1,600 calories a day to maintain her current weight, and if she’s still eating only 1,300 calories a day, her deficit went from 500 per day to only 300 per day. Her weight loss slows down and to top it off she’s always tired and hungry.

To make matters worse, since her body thinks it’s starving, she’s holding onto more body fat and starts breaking down muscle mass. This isn’t going to be obvious on the scale, which is how most people measure weight loss. The loss of muscle mass lowers the BMR even further until eventually she has a new set point that’s lower than the original. And her weight loss stalls which makes her even more discouraged because she’s working so hard and hungry and tired ALL THE TIME!

So the old advice to just eat less and move more doesn’t work.

What does work? It’s actually very complicated but I’ll write about it in another post. Just know that it’s not so simple and when you consider women’s hormones and the consequences of them on every system of the body, it’s very very complicated.

On Death and Aging

Leave a reply
Puma and Bitzy in their prime

We just found out our nearly 18 year old cat is dying of kidney disease. It wasn’t unexpected. I’ve never had a cat live past 18 years, actually. I’ve had some who lived much shorter lives but of those that lived the longest, I don’t recall one ever living past this age.

And of course there were physical signs. She’s not been grooming herself much these past few years, and even though she’s a short haired cat, she’s been getting tangled clumps of fur that you can’t even get out with a brush. I made the mistake of trying to cut these clumps off before and I accidentally cut her skin, it bled like crazy and I felt horrible. So in December I bought a cat shaver (yes, you really can find just about anything on Amazon) and I shaved her fur instead. We’ve since let it grow back though, keeping a close eye on any tangles.

She’s always been a tiny cat, but when I shaved her, I realized just how skinny she had become. So I knew it was likely she didn’t have much longer to live. She was still eating and using her litter box, and she still gave us lots of love.

Then last week she stopped peeing in her litter box. She was peeing on the cement floor just outside her litter box. I had a feeling it was the beginning of the end, but I wanted to take her to the vet just in case it was a simple problem like a UTI or crystals in the urine that we could easily treat and not cut her life too short if she wasn’t in pain and was otherwise having a good quality of life.

The vet told me she’d lost 50% of her body weight since the last time she’d been in. She was down to just 4.5 pounds. So in addition to testing her urine, the vet did some blood tests to see if there was something bigger going on, and, not totally surprising, there is. She’s got stage 4 kidney disease.

Now, I have had pets my whole life. I know how this goes. And I don’t believe in trying to extend an animal’s life if it’s just going to prolong their pain and suffering. But I also don’t want to jump the gun, if she’s not in a lot of pain. Sometimes it’s really hard to know when to make that decision, so I asked the vet if she was in a lot of pain.

She’s dehydrated, so the vet said the best thing is to get fluids in her. And then if she’s acting ok, we can assume she’s still having a good quality of life. However, if she start’s vomiting up her food, and not greeting us anymore, these are all signs that she’s in a lot of pain.

So the vet got us some kidney support wet cat food to try to get some fluids in her and I let the kids know that she’s not going to be with us much longer. It can be a tough conversation to have with kids, but I actually think it’s good for kids to go through this with a beloved pet. I certainly did many times growing up and I think it teaches kids about death.

My 4 year old can’t really understand death. But he will understand it better when he sees that the kitty doesn’t come back. My 8 year old was his same age 3 years ago when we said bye to our other cat (also almost 18), her grandpa, and our dog all within a month.

The kids took the news pretty well, as I think I’ve been preparing them for it for a while by talking about how Bitzy is very old and frail, and that cats don’t usually live more than 20 years. They asked how much longer she has and I told them, one week, maybe 2, maybe less. It’s hard to know for certain. They’ve been wanting to check on her and they are being so very tender and sweet. Telling her goodnight before bed, and goodbye before school in the morning.

I took her some of the wet food earlier and she ate it right up. I sat there with her for a while, just watching her eat, thinking about life, and death and aging.

She was the kind of cat who always looked like a kitten. She’s always been small and slim. Her coat was always shiny (until the last few years) and she always just sort of acted like a kitten. Seeing her now, all skin and bones, her fur has lost its luster and she smells like urine. Yet she rubs the side of her head on my hand, and her face still looks very kitten like. I wonder if she’s in pain, and I hope she’ll let me know when she doesn’t want to go on any more. In this moment, she seems pretty happy.

And I think about when I got her, 18 years ago. My other cat, Puma, who we said goodbye to on May 10th, 3 years ago, was lonely when I moved out of my parents house and into my very first apartment. I rescued Bitzy as a friend for my other cat. And they became the best of friends. All the years I had them, I’d frequently find them cuddled up together, snoozing.

I was a different person back then. I was just 23, and thought I knew everything. I had just started my first real job, had my own apartment, and it wouldn’t be long after I got her that I met my husband. We got engaged, married and bought our first home.

Moving into our new house, I thought we had lost Bitzy. She was so scared of the commotion from moving that she hid in the ceiling. She never really recovered from that incident and the stress of moving to a new house. She started being scared and hiding from people whenever they came over. She still came out for us though. And she always came out for the kids, even when they weren’t exactly nice to her by grabbing her tail and trying to pick her up (which she’s never liked being picked up).

She was there when we brought home our first puppy, and then 3 little humans, and then when we brought home another puppy, which she still doesn’t like and makes sure he knows it.

She’s been there as I’ve grown up. Just like her, I’m not young anymore, and I have the wrinkles and grey hairs to prove it. And I still don’t know everything but at least now I KNOW it.

I see her struggling and it is a stark reminder that this is a part of life. She’s not peeing in her litter box anymore because she’s lost control of that function. And just because she’s no longer a kitten and she looks pretty sickly, it doesn’t mean she’s no longer worthy of love and dignity. I still can see the kitty in her that she once was. And I think about myself and other people and how we feel the same way. I don’t think of myself as anything other than that young girl I was when I got her, just maybe a lot more humble and wiser. But I still want the same things. Simple joy and love. I see that’s all she wants too. And I want to give it to her, and when she’s had enough, I want to do the right thing and help her pass from this life easily. She deserves that. And I want my kids to see the compassion we have for those that have lived a full, long life and are ready to go. That the elderly are important and absolutely worthy of love and compassion and dignity.

Death is hard, but it’s a part of every life. And I think it’s good for kids to see it happen from a young age. We have our religious beliefs that we talk about with them as a family, for what we believe happens after death. My kids asked me if pets go to heaven, because someone who was a Christian told them pets do not go to heaven. It’s ok if you believe this, and I told them that we really don’t know. I had looked in the Bible before and it doesn’t say specifically. But I told them that after some searching I had a few thoughts. One of which was that we know Heaven is a place much better than Earth. And it’s hard to imagine that if loving pets is something we enjoy here on Earth, that it would be something people would miss in heaven. But I told them I don’t know and that sometimes there are just things we won’t know while we’re in this life and that that’s ok. They are free to believe their pets will be waiting for them in heaven, it doesn’t harm anyone. And then I like to let them think about it and figure it out themselves. And they know they can always talk to me about these hard things, no matter what.

Teaching your tween daughter healthy boundaries in relationships

Leave a reply

My oldest daughter just turned 11 and we are in full on tween mode over here and it can be a bit of a roller coaster.

This is such a pivotal time in a girl’s life. It’s well known that girls start puberty a couple years before boys and that in the years before full puberty starts, their hormones begin ramping up in preparation. This can cause mood swings, and it is documented that it’s a time females begin to experience more negative emotions compared to their male counterparts, much of it can be in the form of anxiety. There’s biological reasons for this that I won’t get too into the weeds on but it’s purpose is theorized as an adaptive mechanism to help women protect their young children and babies.

So take a bunch of girls going through that change at slightly different times and add to it the fact that developmentally they are starting to pull away from their parents influences (not completely, parents still have the most influence on their kids at this point) and move more towards their peers and you have the “hot mess” of pre teen drama.

Ideally, your daughter is from a mentally healthy starting point going in, with parents who have modeled what healthy relationships look like, but that’s definitely not always the case and it won’t be the case for some of their peers.

This is when kids can fall into some unhealthy or even downright toxic friendships. And I’m not even blaming the person. These are still just kids and if they’ve learned some unhealthy behaviors or haven’t had unconditional love or have had chaos or…or…or the list goes on and on.

This is why I think it’s important for parents to monitor their kids social media or texts if they have phones. My 11 year old uses facebook messenger which is not perfect by any means but I like that I get to see in real time every message that is sent to her, and I can get on there immediately and see what she’s sending. And there have been times when I’ve seen something come through and I’m able to tell her that she needs to stop responding and take a break so that things can cool down.

To complicate things MORE, the part of the brain that help’s control our reactions is not fully developed until age 25!! So when their emotions get really high, they really have a very hard time NOT reacting in a highly emotional state. That’s why I love the movie Inside Out, it really illustrates what’s happening in the brain when our emotions take the drivers seat.

As adults, we should have the ability when we feel ourselves getting really angry to step away, take a deep breath, go for a walk, etc to try to get our emotions out of the drivers seat and think clearly before we respond. Toxic people won’t like that, by the way. They will usually try to keep you in the heightened emotional state because they can exploit it for their benefit and use your emotional reactions to point out how “crazy, angry, emotional, unstable” you are.

The fact that many of our kid’s interactions with friends is happening online rather than face to face further complicates these things. You can’t read tone over text, and many times people will say things through text or online that they would never say to the person’s face.

So this is where my experience with my dad has helped me to better prepare my kids for difficult relationships they will encounter. I’ve learned so much about healthy relationships and unhealthy relationships and wish I would have known so much of this when I was younger and navigating these things through trial and error and great heartbreak. But at least I can help my kids. I can model healthy relationships to them and talk to them honestly about these things.

So first of all, I’ve taught kids from a very young age some basic truths for their own protection.

No one should ever threaten or bribe them or ask them to keep a bad secret.

It’s pretty obvious about the secret keeping and why we want to teach them that it’s never ok when someone asks you to keep a bad secret, even if they are an adult. Even an adult they know and trust.

Threatening, I explained is someone telling you, “if you don’t do (whatever it is they want from you), then I won’t be your friend anymore, won’t let you come to my party, won’t give you what you want, will tell the whole school you…, will tell someone what you said about her, will tell on you, etc.” I’ve told my kids that this is threatening and it’s not what a good friend would do.

Bribery then would be someone offering to give you something in return for you giving them something you don’t want to give. It could be their friendship, a status, etc.

When they were little, we practiced different scenarios so that they could get used to telling people no and feeling good about it.

But healthy relationships should mostly feel good to be in. While all relationships can go through conflict from time to time (and the closer the relationship, the greater chance for conflict to arise) but in general, the relationship should make you feel happy to be around that person. But also, you should feel happy about that relationship when you’re not physically with the person too. And if you start to notice you’re NOT mostly happy either being with or away from this person, that’s a red flag you should watch out for.

So I’ll give an example of something I noticed with my daughter and one of her best friends. She’s had this friend for years. Conflicts came up occasionally but for the most part, they enjoyed each other’s company’s and it was a good relationship.

Things changed quite dramatically in the last year. Her friend started not coming around as much, which in turn made my daughter want to see her even more. I started to watch my daughter’s demeanor totally change when this girl wouldn’t play with her and also didn’t seem to care too much about it or about my daughter’s feelings.

My daughter got stuck in this cycle where the friend would pull away and my daughter would be very distraught. She wondered what she had done or why this friend who was over just about every day was suddenly always busy with other friends or just didn’t feel like playing anymore. Then suddenly the friend would appear again, they would play together and my daughter felt like it was old times again and felt really good, only to have the friend pull away again.

It creates this addictive cycle because my daughter gets a dose of dopamine when this friend is around that makes her feel good, then she feels upset, sad, rejected when the friend pulls away, then she gets the dopamine hit again and it keeps her coming back for more. She doesn’t even realize it’s happening.

Sadly, I understand this cycle all too well. Like I said, I wish I had known these things when I was growing up. I spent a LOT of time in cycles like this myself, until at some point the bad feeling’s finally overrule any good feelings associated when the person gives you the time of day again. And then afterwards, when you do a postmortem on the relationship, you wonder what exactly it was about the person you found so appealing in the first place. And the answer is nothing. You were simply just chasing the dopamine. It’s very much an addiction. Science has proved, people can become addicted to love. It’s not always romantic love either, friendships, especially for females can become caught up in these unhealthy addiction patterns.

So I talked to my daughter about what it is that she likes so much about this friend. We talked about what makes someone a good friend. Does this friend possess those qualities? Ultimately, she realized this person was not really acting like a good friend to her anymore. And she still had fun with her when they were together, but the way she disregarded her was becoming really hard for my daughter to handle. And eventually it was creating resentment in my daughter for this other person.

I know this other girl well, and I honestly don’t think she’s trying to hurt my daughter. She’s got some things going on in her life that are very hard to deal with. It’s not her fault. I care deeply for her and always will. Yet it doesn’t mean that my daughter should have to be treated like a doormat.

I tried helping her talk to the girl. How to express her feelings to this friend in a respectful way when she was not emotionally charged. But this girl was clearly not in a place to hear her and it went terribly bad. So my daughter took a break for a few days and then she and the other girl talked to each other and both apologized but things didn’t really change after that.

So I had to get honest with my daughter. Her friend has shown what kind of friend she can be, and while my daughter may want her to change, she’s not going to. Things are probably never going to go back to the way they were. So my daughter has a choice to make. She can accept that this girl is going to continue to reject her regularly and get herself into a place where it’s not going to bother her and just be content with the times they play together and enjoy those for what they are. Or she can decide that she wants something more than her friend can give and move on from the relationship. I told her I support her either way.

I went through this with my dad. I finally got to this point where I realized he was not going to change. He was showing me who he was and I needed to believe him. Just because I wanted him to be the dad I wanted him to be was not going to make it so. And further, I realized it was not something lacking in me that made him treat me the way he did, but rather something lacking in him. And it’s a painful truth but also freeing. I ultimately decided I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who treated me the way he did anymore. Other times I’ve made the other choice. Some relationships you can keep at an arm’s length and have a good time when you see the person but you don’t hope for the person to care about you the way you would ideally like.

Neither choice is an easy one. Letting go of relationships that have become unhealthy is hard. Staying in a relationship that’s one sided or where the other person just can’t care about you the way you want is also hard. Over time though, it gets easier and easier to just expect that person to be who they are and you find their actions no longer hurt you or have any bearing on your emotions. These relationships by definition cannot be close relationships. They become sort of superficial. That’s not always a bad thing either. We can very much enjoy the company and have fun with friends at this level, not expecting anything more.

And, putting some relationships on the superficial level allows you to really invest in the healthy relationships more.

My daughter is still trying to navigate how she wants this relationship to go. In the meantime, I’ve encouraged her to invest in the relationships she has that are healthy. Where the other person wants to spend time with you just as much as you want to spend time with them. Where they care about your feelings and wellbeing.

I’ve also encouraged her to find healthy ways to cope with the stresses she’s been experiencing. I’ve seen her confidence soar. I’ve seen her growing in these other relationships and having fun.

When girls are this age, social issues can really become an issue they fixate upon and they are unable to enjoy the world around them when they’re so upset. Helping them to find ways to deal with their feelings can help them to see that even though this issue is upsetting, it doesn’t have to rule their lives.

And while she may wish for her friend to change, she can’t change her but she can pray for her. Teaching her to pray for those that hurt her is a great way to show love and teach her compassion.

The Frosty Morning Run

Leave a reply

It’s been a weird December in Michigan. As a runner, I’m not one to ever complain about lack of snow in winter. Usually by this time of year I’ve begrudgingly done some treadmill runs as well as runs in below 0 conditions and even in windy, cold blizzards where my eyelashes and eyebrows grow snowflakes (seriously).

It’s just been a bit unusual that my kids have been on winter break and we haven’t gone sledding or skiing or built a snowman or gone for a beautiful winter hike. In fact, many of the hiking trails are really muddy right now.

So this morning when I looked out the window and saw the ground was covered in frost, I was so excited to get out there for my run! I love the frosty morning runs with sunshine maybe the best of all my winter runs.

Frost forms when the air temperature freezes to the dew point and ice crystals grow on exposed surfaces. It’s like the earth is covered in a blanket of ice. When it hits the suns rays and you’re running or walking, all the visible colors in the light spectrum are reflected and it creates this magical sparkling effect.

As I ran along, I stopped to snap some quick photos of the icy landscapes and the crystals growing on some grass.

The first part of my run was through the country. Wide open fields covered in icy crystals made the farm cat that much more visible as she hunted field mice. My dog Rocky and I passed some cows eating some hay just outside their barn. As we ran by, I called by to them and they stopped eating and moved over to the fence to get a closer look at us. I never really thought of cows as curious but they certainly seemed curious about us as we passed.

Next we arrived at the dog park and ran on the trails that creep by a river off a ravine with amazing views. We finally turned around and the sun was higher in the sky now. It was starting ti melt some of the frost and the steam was visible as it rose up into the air. The frost was now only visible in the shadows, showcasing the amazing power of the sun.

The melted frost was now little water droplets, little perfect globules sticking to the branches. Some wind blew through the trees and some of the droplets rained down on me.

After many cloudy, rainy days the sun was such a welcome sight and I ran all the way back with my face to it. I captured a few more photos of some of the frost still covering some weeds with the sun and dew in the background.

It almost looks web like or celestial in this skeleton of a plant
Capturing some of the colors in the suns rays with the prisms created by the moisture

Going back home I felt refreshed and invigorated, ready for the day! I highly recommend going for a run or a walk on a sunny, frosty morning. You won’t regret it!

Conversations with your kids about addiction

1 Reply

Yesterday I was stressed out. Like so many of us this time of year, our schedules are packed, there’s class Christmas parties and spirit week and teacher gifts and don’t forget the bus drivers, the mail person, etc. So when I could feel the tension in my voice as I snapped at my kids, I said, “I think I need to go for my run now.”

It might seem counterintuitive to take time to go for a run when your “to-do” list is a mile long, but I’ve learned it’s necessary.

After my half marathon I took a planned week long break from running. I’ve also learned that this is crucial to help prevent unplanned breaks. Anyway, I had high hopes, figuring I’d get so much done if I didn’t spend all that time running. As with most things, reality and our expectations often don’t line up. And two days in I realized I needed to at least get out for a 30 minute walk.

So yesterday when I started getting ready for my run, my 10 year old daughter asked if she could come with me. I was ecstatic. I had been hoping she might want to, but I didn’t want to ask her because I don’t ever want to put pressure on her. I want it to be what she wants. This is something I worry about because when I grew up, I felt that pressure, to perform, to be the athlete, to make the family proud.

The great thing about running with your kids is it gives you an opportunity to talk without the distractions of home and siblings that often make deep, meaningful conversations hard.

And the topic of addiction came up naturally. I wasn’t planning on it, and often when these things come up we’re not planning on them and so we don’t have time to prepare beforehand about what we need to say. That’s ok though because I think it’s more natural when it happens organically.

When I was a kid, I was aware that my dad had an addiction to alcohol. He had always explained it as a disease he had called addiction. That his brain was wired differently, and one sip of alcohol was all it took for him to not be able to stop.

As I’ve grown, I’ve challenged his view, and it’s definitely not settled science by any means. I no longer think of addiction as a disease myself, that doesn’t mean that others can’t have their own views, but I just found this view to be too narrow and also problematic. For one thing, I had heard there was an alcoholic gene and, fearing that I myself might possess it because of my dad, I was absolutely terrified to ever have my first drink. Not saying that was a bad thing for me personally, but I don’t want my kids to think it’s this black or white thing, they either inherited this “gene” or they didn’t. It’s not that simple.

So I explained this to my daughter, who struggles with anxiety. “You know your anxiety? How sometimes you just have this feeling of unease and these thoughts that you can’t make go away, that make you feel kind of bad inside?”

She knew exactly what I was talking about.

“Well, alcohol can make all those negative feelings go away, temporarily. And it can be a huge relief for people. To get a break from that feeling. But the thing is, it’s only temporary. As soon as the alcohol wears off, all those feelings come right back, and sometimes even stronger than they were before. And oftentimes, the person did some things they’re not proud of, so then they often have problems that grow bigger and bigger. So then they don’t want to deal with it, so they just get drunk again. And the cycle repeats over and over again, and their life just keeps spiraling out of control.”

I want to be honest with my kids about addiction. Explain to them why people like it. I think that helps to understand why people get addicted. Because someday my kids are going to drink. And I want them to know it will feel good, so they are prepared for that.

I don’t think addiction is a disease like my dad does. I think sometimes the underlying anxiety or depression can have a genetic link. And I know my oldest daughter has that anxiety. I know it because I have it too. I think people with these tendencies tend to be the same people who end up addicted. I explained to her that the alcohol is like putting a bandaid on an open wound. It may hide it, but it’s not really doing anything to fix the problem.

My dad was never able to cope with stress. Even small stresses. He always felt like the world was against him. I want to be open and honest with my kids about what I think addiction really is. And that anyone can fall prey into it given the right set of circumstances. I remember feeling such relief after my first experience with alcohol realizing I must not have the alcoholic gene. This too, can be problematic thinking.

As an adult, I know stress is a constant in life. It happens to everyone. I also know that when I am stressed, I have to have tools in my toolbox to deal with it without drinking.

I don’t have time in my schedule to run as much as I do. I MAKE time in my schedule to run. Sometimes I feel guilty about it. I see other moms that seem to have it all together-and realize that I could probably have one of those completely clean, organized homes if I didn’t run so much. The thing I’ve learned though is that when I spend so much time and effort cleaning and organizing, within a few days (if even that long) it’s like I didn’t do anything. At least spending my time running, I’m coming back a more happy, patient mom and I’m doing something for my health that isn’t so easily undone.

As a good friend (who’s kids are now young adults) reminded me recently, I’ll have time later to get these things done, but I’ll never get this time back with my kids.

My kids see me reaching into this toolbox when I’m stressed out, going for a run, coming back ready to tackle the day with more patience and grace.

I listened to my daughter’s questions and answered them honestly. I want her to always know that I’m going to tell her the truth, because I want to be her source of information. If I act like these topics are too difficult, or that her questions are burdensome, she’ll stop asking. There’s no perfect way to talk to kids about these subjects, but I think being open and honest with them, and just being there, go a very long way at breaking generational patterns of avoiding, shame and fuzzy stories to try to cover for the addict.

She sees me running or walking when I feel overwhelmed and I talk about it. Now, running is not the only tool in my toolbox to deal with stress and anxiety. I’ve definitely been through situations where running was not enough. I’ve anchored my identity on my faith in God, and so that fills up the void, or the God sized hole in our hearts that we try to fill with all kinds of things (as said by an atheist). My kids have been raised with this foundation. However, I think it’s a huge misconception to think that people of faith don’t struggle still with anxiety, depression, stress, etc.

God gave us these tools. There is nothing wrong with praying and also running or going to therapy or whatever tools you have in your toolbox.

Besides running when I’m stressed, I know I need to often log off of social media, not watch the news that’s specifically made to create fear to get us to keep tuning in. I know I need to avoid certain types of people when I’m already stressed out. I know I have certain people I can talk to. I know I need to prioritize sleep and relaxation. I know that if I’m really stressed out or going through something difficult, I need to avoid alcohol, because I always have that fear as the daughter of an addict that if I start drinking when I’m stressed or upset, that I could easily fall prey too. And I want my kids to know this. I don’t want them to be too fearful of drinking, or to feel relieved if they find themselves not immediately addicted. I want them to know that addiction can creep up on anyone if they leave the door open to it. I want to help my kids build up their toolbox and also know they can always talk to me about whatever their facing, and that we’ll face it together. That their mom is not so caught up in her own problems that theirs are too burdensome.

The half marathon that wasn’t

Leave a reply

I ran a half marathon today…sort of.

I haven’t had a great half marathon since I had kids nearly 11 years ago. My priorities have changed considerably since having kids but I still love racing. I still love pushing myself as hard as I can and seeing what I’m capable of. I love running, regardless of whether I have a race planned, but having a race planned keeps me through the tough days and gives me something to focus on.

I started training for this half once my youngest started preschool in mid September. I do a slower build up these days because I’ve learned from injury in the past. So I needed the full 10 weeks or so to get in shape to be able to run the time I wanted.

I had one really terrible workout early on that I think was a combination of dehydration and lack of confidence, but the rest of my hard workouts went really well. They were hard- some of them, very hard but I did them with the exception of just that one.

I did many of my long runs in the rain and I touched it out, knowing it would all be worth it. And I got in shape. And I saw what I was still capable of at 40 years old. And, I love it. I love the hard work. I love pushing myself right up to that edge of my limits of my abilities and seeing how close I can get. I love the feel of having tired muscles. I love the sweat, the sucking in air, the mentally pushing yourself to keep going when your body wants you to stop. I even did one of my hard workouts with a migraine. I somehow finished the workout without feeling bad and then about a mile into my cool down the headache and nausea hit.

So by the time you get to the start of a race, you’ve already had quite the adventure. You’ve learned some things about yourself. There were so many times during workouts my pace would suddenly slow and I learned to trust my body more than my watch. Sure enough, 30 seconds later, my watch would recalibrate and I was back on pace.

No matter what happens before that actual race on your calendar, the work you put in is never wasted. You still exercised your body and improved your health physically and also mentally.

The race started off well enough. I found myself going out too fast and having to purposefully slow down that first mile. Eventually I settled in behind this guy with red socks, yellow cap, long beard. A few times I passed him and then shortly after he passed me. We ticked off the next couple miles perfectly on pace so I decided it would be good for me to work with him. Sometimes in these races I end up alone. It’s harder that way because it’s more like a training run. The point of having a race is that there are people around you that can push you to go faster than you would go by yourself. Runners appreciate this comradery. Especially when it’s a man I’m running with because we are not really competitors.

We hit mile 3 and this woman passed us. She was the first woman now in the race. We saw the motorcycle leading the men leader coming back at us, and I saw mile marker #4 for the way back, then suddenly, the woman ahead of us turned around. There was no volunteer or even cones or marks on the sidewalk to designate that this was the turn around. So the guy I had been running with and I looked at each other confused and followed her-figuring she knew what she was doing?

I was going to try to check my watch against the 4 mile marker and see if we were still in line with the course but I somehow hit stop on my watch and didn’t realize it. I ran for a little over a mile without looking at my watch (which is an accomplishment in itself for me that I was just running based on feel for that long, but also frustrating)! When I saw the mile 6 mile marker I realized my watch had been stopped for at least a mile. I was frustrated, but just started it up again and figured I could at least see if I was still on pace-and I was.

The next couple miles I was just running with this same guy, he mentioned he thought we maybe cut off less than 200 meters at that turn based on where the miles we’re hitting but we weren’t sure. I couldn’t trust my watch-such a mess, but we had been consistently hitting pace so I just tried to focus on that.

Near mile 8 we ran into the 5K walkers. There were tons of them and they were taking up the entire path. I tried yelling out “runners!” A couple times and none of them seemed to know what to do. I think we slowed down quite a bit this mile because we were weaving in and around all these walkers for pretty much the entire mile. I was frustrated. I tried yelling a few more times and sometimes they moved over but I ended up running in the grass, on the dirt, etc. I didn’t want to look at my watch because I didn’t want my pace to mess with my head. I took my GU and then a half mile later I grabbed some water at the water station. I stopped quickly and took a couple big gulps and the guy got a little ahead of me because he didn’t stop but I quickly caught back up.

Then we saw mile 9 and Tim and the kids were there cheering for me. I shot Tim a look and he just knew something was wrong but he said at that point I was still perfectly on pace.

We went downhill under a bridge and then right away there was a sign that said 1/2 marathon with cones leading you to the left up the same bridge we had just come down the other side from. He and I kind of stopped and looked at each other and decided this was probably the way to go so we did, and shortly thereafter we saw mile marker 13 and then the finish line. We stopped. He started going back to try to get back on track but I was mad and just done with this race. I went through the finish line and immediately found officials and told them what happened.

In retrospect, I should have turned around with the guy and tried to get back on course. I ended up running into him at the finish later and he still ran on pace and finished in a time I would have been pleased with, despite all the stopping and going back. He said, “you’re super fast, I hope you know that. I ran one of my best times ever and you were helping me.” And this is why I love the running community. Most other runners know what it takes to complete something like that, not just that day, but the months of work leading up to it, and we all want each other to be successful.

I ended up running the full distance of the race afterwards and I went back on the course and saw yet another area where runners were getting confused and didn’t know where to go. And it’s super frustrating for all of them to have that experience.

So I’m disappointed with what happened, but it’s never a total waste. I still ran really hard and I think I could’ve run what I wanted to. There’s no way to know for sure because the last 4 miles of a half marathon are really where the test is, but going off of how I felt at mile 9.5 and how it felt hard but not like I was not going to make it, I think I would’ve been close to my goal.

I still had an adventure and the thing about adventures is that anything can happen. I saw the humanity in another human and that always warms my heart. Tim was so upset for me and I was thankful he brought me to this race and watched the kids and that he was so sad for me. Now I’m going to take some much needed time off of running and try to get caught up on other things and ready for Christmas. Hopefully I’m teaching my kids that life throws curve balls…constantly, but it’s still worthwhile to keep going and run the race well and help out a stranger when you can. We’re all doing our best with the circumstances in front of us.

The race against time

Leave a reply

Tonight I did something that I’ve been working on for a long time. I ran a 5K under 19 minutes. It may not seem like such a big deal, but let me give a little more backstory.

Before I had kids, I was experiencing a sort of breakthrough in my running. I was running PR’s in every distance from 5K to marathon. I was also in my 20’s and logging 65 miles a week and cross training on top of that.

Before having kids I assumed I could have it all. These kids would just fit right into our world and we could just keep doing the things we were used to doing.

I laugh at my naivety. Reality hit quickly and I was soon in the thick of parenting. I never stopped running, at least not for too long save when it became uncomfortable during pregnancy or the post partum period or for injuries. Was I running 65 miles a week and cross training on top of it? I laugh again.

Running changed for me from the moment my oldest daughter was born. It wasn’t an easy change. I had honestly been addicted to the long miles, the workouts, the races. It had even been an idol for me, I’m ashamed to admit.

Having kids took me from being on top of my little world, and put me right to the bottom. I learned what sacrificial love was and how to be a servant. It humbled me to the point I barely recognize that woman I used to be. I had little humans who needed me, depended on me. It wasn’t about me anymore.

Parenting is sacrificing so much of yourself for someone else, it’s true, and it changes you in the best ways. Still, it’s not completely giving up on all your passions and dreams. These are part of who you are, and it’s the best parts of ourselves we want to pass down to our children.

So all these years, I ran. Some seasons it was very little miles and only every other day. There were a few races in there, but not many, and none of my performances came close to what I was capable of before. But I was ok with that. I knew my life had different priorities now.

Still, in the back of my mind, I always told myself, “someday”. Someday, the kids will be older and need you less, and you can train like you’re capable of again, and you can still try to get some new PRS.

Then I turned 40 this year and really nothing much changed, it’s just a number. Then summer came and suddenly I’m starting to have some symptoms of pre-menopause and that hit me like a ton of bricks!!

Why? I feel in my heart that our family is complete. I’m enjoying some of the break from the intense physical needs that kids have those first precious years of life when they need you for EVERYTHING. I’m not breastfeeding at all hours of the night, not changing diapers or chasing around a curious toddler. When I take the kids to the pool I actually don’t need to be in the pool with them anymore—I can just sit on the side and watch them. It’s a new freedom, and it’s really nice.

No, it’s no longing in me to have another baby or even just a mourning that that time is in the waning phase. I think it’s more that waning fertility, is really just a telltale sign that you are, actually aging.

It’s not that I didn’t think I would. But honestly, the last decade of my life flew by so fast between having and breastfeeding and parenting 3 babies and toddlers, I was kind of not thinking about it. I spent the entirety of my 30’s being pregnant, breastfeeding and chasing toddlers. I feel better now than I did at 35! “Someday” felt like it was nearing for me.

My youngest started preschool a couple days a week last fall and for the first time in nearly a decade, I had 5 hours a week of kid free time! And I ran. I increased my mileage to 32-35 miles a week and started doing some hard workouts again and I LOVED it!

Then one evening when I was frustrated, I set out to do a workout and I couldn’t slow myself down and so I wanted to just see how fast I could run a 5K and I ran 18:31!! It wasn’t a PR, but it was the fastest 5K I had run in 10 years. So I started to allow myself to hope and to dream again that someday I would maybe be able to run PR’s again.

Then I signed up for a couple 5K’s and ended up not running under 19 minutes and then my knee ended up flaring up and I had to take some time off running and I was so upset with myself that in my stupid desire to chase goals, I deprived myself of something I love to do that is good for me. And I realized I love running now just for running—and I’d rather do it the rest of my life than run another PR and not be able to run again.

Running is play to me. I love the long run the most. I experience “flow” when I’m out there, which is what we use to describe a child that’s wrapped up in play for hours. They are totally immersed in it and the whole world disappears to them. That’s what running, really good running is.

But I still enjoy pushing myself. I still enjoy that feeling I get after workouts that are hard. They test you. Sometimes they break you. But you come back stronger. And isn’t that a metaphor for life?

My kids have seen me run ever since they were babies. They know it’s just something I do. They know I do it because I love it. They see me running in the snow, in the rain, in the wind. They see me fail and they see that I keep trying. I don’t talk about running much with them. I don’t have to. They see me doing it.

My oldest daughter loves running, well, mostly she loves racing when she can win. She is a little frustrated with me because I won’t let her run compete much yet. She’s only 10 and I want her to love running her whole life. That’s a gift I want to give to all of them. And she’s so results driven. If it’s not a PR, if it’s not winning, she has a really hard time. And I completely GET it. I mean, that was me! And I remember the times I wanted to give it up completely because of a string of failures and feeling like I hated it. I want her to enjoy being a kid and help her to see running as something she does, not something that gives her value.

I know my kids well, and my oldest is the perfectionist. The one who gets anxious. She’s sensitive and explosive. She can be hard on others but she’s hardest on herself. I tell her that she has value and is loved no matter what.

My middle child is self described the crazy one in our family. To this day, she’s often the most challenging one to parent. She’s sweet and loving and just needs an outlet for all her energy and I’m hoping running can be that gift to her.

My son is my baby still and has the most easy going personality of the 3 of them. He “goes on runs” because he sees his mama doing it. His face still lights up every time he sees me whether I’m picking him up from school or coming back from a run.

I love the quote, maybe the best thing you do in life is someone you raise.

In church a few years ago our minister talked about finding your life’s work. That one thing that you dedicate your life to doing. You sacrifice your time and energy and money. I realized my life’s work is raising these kids to be loving and kind, God fearing people.

To quote Taylor’s message to me on Mother’s Day this year, “Mom, you’re not perfect, but you’re a good mom.” I hope to forever live up to that good enough parent these kids need me to be.

My oldest told me the other day that one of her friends noticed that she has a real connection with me. These moments show up sometimes at the dinner table without warning. You’re in the midst of all the every day chaos and then your child tells you something that instantly melts your heart. I think about the story of Jesus’s mother Mary, where it said she stored “these things up in her heart”.

I have no regrets. Running is something I do, but it’s not where my value comes from. It’s ok if all my PR’s have already happened. The time I spent, in my 30’s, probably the decade of most vitality, was well worth the time I put in with these kids.

But tonight I put on my running shoes and ran a 5K in 18:43. I’ve been trying to break 19 again since that day last September when it just sort of happened.

I had a hard time slowing myself down the first couple miles—I was ready to go. It felt good to push myself HARD. It was 86 degrees but there was a nice wind when I was running west and then hot sun when I was running east. The last mile was really hard. I wanted to stop before I even got a quarter of a mile into it. That voice in my head, telling me to just stop, I could always try again another day. This wasn’t a race. Just me, a middle aged mom running through the neighborhood, chasing a dream. But I knew, I knew I had banked some time the first two miles and even if I slowed down 20 seconds in this last mile, I could still break 19 minutes. I couldn’t even look at my pace—I didn’t want to get discouraged and stop. I bargained with myself that I could stop at the half mile. That would still be a great workout. I got to the half mile and told myself to get to the next quarter—still a good workout. Then I knew I had to finish. I picked a mailbox up ahead and just ran, feeling like my feet in my shoes were 150 degrees. I looked at my watch for the distance, not the pace, and when I hit 3.1 miles I stopped and waited to see if I had run under 19 minutes. 18:43!!!!

I texted a picture of my time and sent it to my husband, then texted “I’m dead” because I felt like I was. I walked for a couple minutes, then jogged home where we cooked dinner and started our evening routine with the kids. Just another day.

Yet tonight I feel satisfied and happy that I pushed myself and didn’t stop when it got really hard. I’m again feeling hopeful that someday, someday I’ll train more and maybe, just maybe I can set some new after 40 PRs.